6 or 2

Depending on how you look at it.

Either way, when will tomorrow start to mean a little less to me? When will it pass by without me taking note of the significance of the day? When will I get to December 12th and go, "Oh, I didn't even realize that yesterday was 12/11!"?

This is how I felt at this time last year. =/

Another year has gone by and the day still stings.

I know what I said, but....

So, a few months ago I posted this

On My Last Birthday I Turned 25, This Year I'm Turning 30
It basically says I am turning 30 and I'm ok with it.

Well folks, its less than a month away now, and let me tell you......I'm scared. I know its pathetic, but honestly, all I can think about is that after the family dinner (and maybe a drink--or 15--with friends I am going to go home to an empty house, crawl into an empty bed, and lay there. All alone. Do I have someone who at this point might be there....that is a very flimsy maybe to say the most, but even if that pulls through....I'm alone. Over the course of a month, 93% of my nights are spent in my bed, by myself, wishing someone was there next to me/wrapped up in me. They are now mostly spent with Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson playing over and over in my head thanks to the CMA's (I don't wanna just make love I wanna make love last, dont you wanna stay here a little while, don't you wanna hold eachother tight, don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight). Stupid country music. I can't stop from turning 30, that part I know. I just keep praying that it doesn't hit me as hard as I am afraid it's going to.

Closure

Sometimes you just need it.

Will there be more to this ghost story, I'm not sure, but I got the closure I think I needed incase there is no continuation.....no second chapter.....no happy ending. It will always be the story that I wish had an alternate ending, that I will forever replay in my head a different way when I think of it, but this time I at least got to drive away knowing what the future might bring (even if its nothing).

Ah, I knew kissing was special

Kissing is good for what ails you. Research shows that the act of smooching improves our skin, helps circulation, prevents tooth decay, and can even relieve headaches (my fav!). It also releases the same neurotransmitters in our brains as parachuting, bungee jumping, and running. Also, men who kiss their partners before leaving for work average higher incomes than those who don’t.

I'm an affectionate person, so I totally love this.

Amazing

Probably the most amazing song I have heard in a long time. Great vocals, great lyrics, amazing message.

Thanks

Thanks for pulling me aside to tell me I am a commitment-phobe. I appreciate the sentiment. I'm glad you think I choose to date all the wrong people just because I don't choose to be with the one's you think are life partners. Maybe I see something different in who I spend my time with. Maybe I see more than what you are willing to open your eyes to. Maybe it hurts when you tell me that I am wasting my time with people who don't want to be with me and letting those who do want me slip away. Maybe just maybe one of these "wastes of time" does want to be with me. Maybe you will be surprised. Maybe you shouldn't tell me to run. Maybe you should keep your thoughts to yourself. Maybe you should just be there when I need support. Maybe your should stay out. Maybe you should just let me fall on my face and let me learn the hard way. Maybe you should just let me live. Maybe I want to chase him. Maybe you have no idea what it feels like. Maybe you should back off.

Moving = Stairmaster workout extraordinaire!

Whew! My ass is killing me!!!!!!!!!! Third floor living is going to be a workout! I have done it before, but I guess I forgot how many stairs were involved. After 98234698238742398 trips up and down the stairs this weekend, my legs feel amazing. I bet I look fan-freakin-tastic! hehe

So, yes, I am all moved in. And by all moved in I mean my family hangs pictures, drapes, puts up knick-knacks....it basically looks like I have lived there my whole life. AKA: Home Sweet Home from night one. It's the way we do it. Does it make the weekend long, exhausting, and completely overwhelming...yes. Is it worth it...yes. Last night was the first night I left the house, went out somewhere and then returned to my "home" (not back with my parents...it was actually sad, I forgot to say good-bye to them when we left my sisters because I thought I would see them at home forgetting that I don't live there anymore...but I'm getting sidetracked). I returned to my new home. I threw on some sweats (AKA: sweatshirt and took off my pants, yes, we all know I hate pants), grabbed a glass of Nuva (thank you Meredith), and sat in front of the fireplace (compliments of Pammy and Bill). It felt like home. It was quiet and yes, lonely, but all in all it felt like home.

So, after all the craziness of the weekend, after the super sexy mover (hehehe), and after all the work and stress, here's to me proving that I can do it on my own, moving on, picking up the pieces, and starting a new chapter.

Come over whenever you want, guests are always welcome =)

Why yes creepy man at the gas station, I do infact want you to invade my personal space

I live in Cleveland.

It's the end of October.

It's cold here.

And by cold, I mean I had to thaw out my car for a few minutes before I could pull out of my driveway this morning, and then I drove into work with my scarf wrapped around me.

Should I have stopped to get gas last night when it was 30 degrees warmer, there was some light out, and I was completely awake...yes, but, well, you know how that goes....shoulda, coulda, woulda....didn't.

I instead opted to stop this morning, in the dark, half asleep (still grumpy from being awake all night....whole other story, haha), and in the 33 degree Cleveland weather. Good choice Jenna, good choice.

The two people who might legitimately think it was a good choice are the random men who decided that I looked cold and in need of a hug to warm up.

Really??? Yes people, this did happen. One on my way in to the store reached out for me and I kind of stepped away. The other, I was not so lucky.

I was standing in line, shivering a little, Red Bull in hand (breakfast of champions). My eyes were half shut so I was not completely sure what was happening, and before I knew it I heard, "Oh my, you look cold" and there were arms wrapped around me. It was awkward, and slightly intimidating. This is me we are talking about though, so of course, I just smiled in the nicest way I could (tried not to be rude) and said "Well, it's pretty chilly outside, but I'm good." In my head thinking....hey creepy stranger, back off, I may be small, but I'm like a ninja and I will cut you!

Ok, maybe my thoughts weren't that extreme, he might have been very nice. And, to be honest, in his defense, I have previously stated that running gives me a nice ass and I am wearing good butt jeans today, maybe he just wanted to cop a feal....but really, don't hug people you don't know in the gas station at 7am before they have had caffeine!!!!!

Who you gonna call....GHOSTBUSTERS!

Yep, that's right. It's official. I'm being haunted.

Have you ever seen "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"? Probably not, it wasn't very good despite having Jennifer Garner and Matthew McConaug-HEY. Don't get me wrong, I love me some serious chick flick even when they aren't great, and Emma Stone made a fantastic showing in her rising career....but I'm getting off topic (ADD, I know).

Back to me being haunted. My ghosts are of my dating past. From the insignificant, to the mildly hurtful, to the completely heartbreaking, my ghosts have decided to all re-appear within 24 hours of each other. I will take the blame for only one....of course it is the gut wrenching scariest ghost of all that is my fault.

But really, it is like men have a 6th sense that lets them know when maybe, just maybe I might for 24 hours be handling life on my own and think I can do it without anyone and then they all swarm in and remind me how much at one point I wanted them in my life. So, what do I do to ease the scary moment, to get past the fear of the ghosts lingering in every corner of my brain.....drugs. No, not literally, I am not a crazy person, but I have my drug of choice. It's warm, and cozy, and soft, and it fills me up when I need it. My drug rarely touches my lips like candy, but it still makes my heart race like sugar in my blood. Does it make me crash and burn in withdrawal, yep. But I got my high. I had temporary relief from my ghosts. I wish my drug was more, I've tried, but at this point I will take what I can get because I'm not willing to give it up. I'm too haunted to let go, and see too much good to not want more.

Halloween might be right around the corner, but this girl is going to try and have her ghosts killed by then.

Sleep Deprived

It appears as though the more sleep I need the less I am getting. For reasons I am somewhat aware of, and somewhat not admitting to myself I am not sleeping. What am I choosing to do this time....run. Yep. I am not going to mope (well, ok, I probably am, but whatever, don't judge), I am going to run until I am where I need to be. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.....keep running until I get there. Whew, I am gonna love my ass at the end of this (hehe, running gives me a nice butt).

Baby I'm Amazed by You

And not in the good Lonestar is totally singing about you kinda way.

I have decided that men amaze me. Sometimes in a good way, most often not. Yes, I am becoming very bitter. I hate that, I never thought I would be one of those people, but taking into account only the events of the last week....I deserve to be.

People who have seemingly been very interested have left me stranded not once, but twice. Ok, I know what you are saying, I let it happen to me twice, but people, it was two different situations, two different people, one outcome. Very strange.

And then of course, my constant and ever present one I am drawn to....the ultimate couple of highs, and consistant following low. This one I take the blame for. I let this happen, but the lows aren't as bad anymore because I expect them. I know I will be let down, I accept it. I still go back, its like a drug, I still want more. (And no, I have never done drugs, but like Keisha sings, its what I imagine its like.)

So, I close this week being utterly confused and really, completly ready to step out of the game for a while (except for my drug, haha, that I know I won't give up, I've tried, it doesn't work).

I'm out, and not gonna be yelling "Put me in coach!" anytime soon.

Sometimes you just need a good movie quote

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ...ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

Optimism can break your heart

I recently finished reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" for the 2nd time. The first time I read it I had just separated my from then husband. I didn't remember much about the book other then it spoke to me in such a way that I knew I had to read it again. When I opened it up there were lines highlighted, parts underlined, things I obviously wanted myself to remember. It is amazing how these things still speak to me.

One part inparticular is such a part of who I am that I don't know if I can ever change it no matter how hard I try. In much better wording then I can ever communicate Elizabeth Gilbert talks about letting her optimism get in the way of her relationships. She, like me sees the very best in everyone. It's not that I am trying to change someone into something else, because I would NEVER want anyone to be anything other than exactly who they are, its just that I see what they already have in them and I try to bring out another side maybe they are afraid to express. I think sometimes (maybe even from knowing myself that I need someone who is willing to help me) that we need someone who will help us be who we are afraid to try and become. I never want to change someone, just help them be what they already are. I guess what I have failed to realize though is that they also have to be a willing participant.

Thats where I struggle. I am always optomistic. When I see someone who looks at me, and acts as though they want to be with me I assume they do. When I see so much inside a person, maybe more then they know exists, or more then they are willing at the time to admit is there, I get so hopeful---so hopeful infact that I am willing to be treated like crap and kicked around just for the few moments where I feel like the only woman that exists in the world. The problem with this is....those moments are few and far between and there comes a time where you have to make a choice. Do I want more, or I am ok with the status quo. Me being Miss Optomistic always assumes in asking for more I am going to get it. Why, when I feel the way I do, would I not get what I want? You would think by now I would realize that is not the way it works.

Why then do I continue to try? Why then do I continue to be optomistic? Why then do I continue to put myself out there? To be held? To be smiled at? To be wrapped up? To be called on? To be pulled back in? To be toyed with? To be played? To be hurt? To be broken? Why as women do we do it to ourselves?

I don't know how to stop being optomistic. I don't know how to stop seeing the best in people. I don't know how to not read into looks, touches, words, messages, and moments. Is my only option to take myself out of the game? Pull away so much so that I am not even a player? Is this the only way to protect what is already been so broken over the years? It's a hard call to make. I am a girl that wants nothing more than someone to crawl into bed with every single night, but in trying to find that I have been beaten up. Pulling out of the game might be better then taking another hit to the gut before sliding into home plate.

Repost of an Old Story

I originally posted this last year; however, as I have now just passed my two year anniversary of working with my dad I find it necessary to relive this memory as it makes me laugh every time I think about it =)

July 3rd, 2008
AKA: DAY 3 OF WORKING WITH MY FATHER.

To start, let me say that at this time I was 27 years old. Mature. Living on my own (married, yes, but had been separated for almost 3 years….a story for another day). College educated. Mature. I had been working in sales for 4 years. I was ready to take on the new task of stepping into a position at my dads company with the vision of learning manufacturing and eventually using my sales knowledge to go out into the world and expand his business. I was thrilled. I was excited. I was going to conquer the world my dad needed me to. Did I mention I was mature?

Ok, yes, I was frightened, but that’s not what this is about….this is about the first 3 days. I had just left the housing market, which we all know was doing so fantastically! So, needless to say, I had a lot of time on my hands before. I was now going to be in an office for the first time in my life and learning from my dad. Still, I walked in knowing I was going to be amazing. I mean, after all, I was the boss’s daughter and confidence is half the battle, right? So, I went in at 8am (after an hour drive and 2 cans of Red Bull) ready to kick ass. From there it becomes a blur. There were phones ringing, calls to transfer, computer systems to learn, accounting? whats accounting?, payroll systems, employee paperwork, invoicing, and lions and tigers and bears OH MY! I was replacing a woman who had been with my dad for almost 10 years. She knew what she was doing. Being the “boss’s daughter” I felt like I had to make a good impression and learn everything right away, so I worked my tail off those first days trying to quickly learn everything this woman had done for 10 years. I literally (sorry Michelle and Amanda if you are reading this, literally has to be said here, LOL) felt like a chicken with its head cut off running around the office. I wanted it to seem like I could manage it all with no problems. Answering this call, copying this order, learning this program, entering this PO, calling this truck….did I pee yet today?

So, it finally got to be about 4:45 on day 3, which lucky for me was also the day before a Holiday and I had a 3 day weekend coming up. OMG, I can pee whenever I want, without asking my dad if I can take a break from learning what a t-bar thingy is! (BTW, it's some accounting thing that I can draw, but does it make sense to this day…only kind of, shhhh, don’t tell my dad). I had just finished doing a task and I was supposed to go tell my dad when I was done. I had to go potty real bad and I was starving, but I figured, go tell dad you’re finished, it’s 4:45, he probably just going to tell you to take it easy for the last few minutes of the day then you can use the restroom, grab a Twix bar and catch up on People.com (I am sure so much has happened in the 3 days I have been out of the loop!). So, I walk into my dad’s office, announce that I am finished, and smile when I see him look at his watch to realize that it is 4:45. No time to do anything else. WRONG. He promptly jumps up and says, “Great, lets quickly learn one more thing for the day!”

WHAT! Are you nuts!? Do you not see the glossy look in my eyes that says I cannot possibly hold any more information!? Do you not see my tummy looking full because I haven’t peed all day because there has been no time!? Do you know that I might fall asleep right now because the last time I had to wake up at 6AM to go anywhere was high school!? DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I WANT A TWIX BAR!? DADDY, GO GET ME A TWIX BAR!!!!!!!!

Those were the calm, rational, mature thoughts (I mentioned I was mature, right?) running through my head at that moment. Your internal monologue screaming “Daddy get me a Twix bar!” is definitely a sign of maturity =)

What did I do? I smiled, and said “Great, let’s go!” Then a week later I told my dad the story when I was out to dinner with him and my mom and he simply looked at me, patted me on the back, and said “Welcome to the real world hun, it sucks.”

The moral of this story is, there are times you have to suck it up and hope that your internal monologue is working and you don’t vocalize what you are thinking. But, there are also times where we have all wanted to look at our bosses, no matter who they may be, and just simply yell “SHUT UP AND GET ME A TWIX!”

Things to not say to a girl on your first date

1) Do you know how many calories are in that?
2) That is something you do when you are "your age", I'm a little too old for that. (ie, if the few years apart that you are was a big deal, why did you ask me out to begin with???)
3) There are too many carbs in that, I won't eat those kinds of things (while judging how much you love Chipotle Burritos).
4) I'm too old to really go out, so right now what I do in my spare time is date. Last week I had 5 dates with 5 different women. I was supposed to have a 6th, but I really liked the 5th so I didn't go to the last one. I texted her and said "So, I guess if you still want to go out tonight, we can???" I think she got the tone of the message and she never wrote back.
5) Did I mention the question was asked "Do you know how many calories are in that?"
6) Am I rushing you, or are we done here? (oh buddy, trust me, we are done here)

Hello...does this thing work?

You know that thing every woman should be born with? That little thing called women's intuition. I think mine is broken. Or maybe I never had it. Or maybe that one party I threw in college I drank too much and I puked it out---graphic, sorry, but it was a good party (side note, I vaguely remember giving out lap dances in the corner at that party, wow, not a proud moment for Jenna).

Ok, back on track, my womenly intuition. I don't know where it went, but whatever happened, I don't think I have it. Don't get me wrong, I get those "gut feelings" but I am generally wrong. I find my gut feelings to usually be more associated with paranoia and craziness then intuition.

I have recently been trying to listen to "myself" about certain situations and get a good read on where I think I might be at. When I get done evaluating all I end up with is "Shit, I dunno!"

So, what this is all about......since my intuition is broke, if anyone has a working crystal ball, or a physic that they can loan out to me, I am in need.

Thank you!

The voices in my head

**Yay! It's furniture shopping day!!!**

OMG, do you realize that you have never actually BOUGHT new furniture???

**This is going to be so exciting!**

Deep breaths, take soothing deep breaths, it will be ok.

**Quick, get dressed, all the pretty new stuff is just waiting for you to buy it!!!**

Wait, buy it? I have to spend all the $$$ I have been saving for the last year? What about future bills, and possible car wrecks or emergencies, what do I do? I don't want to spend all my $. When I didn't have any I spent it all the time, now that I have $$ I don't want to spend it. Wait, that's weird? Shouldn't I spend $$ only when I have it? Wow, that seems backwards now that I think about it. Maybe I am just greedy and now that I actually have some cash I want to hoard it. OMG, now I am a hoarder! They are going to put me on one of those TV shows on TLC??? Oh God, I can't take it!

**No, stop thinking, go shop! You have worked for this! You have saved for this! You deserve this! GO SPEND $$$!!!!**

(I drive to the store, pick out wonderful couches and tables and a buffett for my kitchen. I LOVE everything so much it makes me almost jump up and down in the store)

**Girl, you rock! Buy it all! Go for it!**

Maybe you should......

**Shhh, shut up, you get no voice anymore, I win! Buy it, own it! Have people over and party with all your new stuff!**

(So, a couple thousand dollars later it is decided I will be having a party soon when I move out to celebrate me taking charge of my life and owning not only new stuff, but a new attitude to go with it!)

Things that make my day

I just got a text from my sister that explained my niece's devious plan to trick the tooth fairy, capture her, keep her in a jar, and only let her come out for dinner. Now, all this isn't to be mean, she just really wants a fairy. She is really excited about her plan.

Oh, to be 6 again...

Humph =-/

Somewhere in my constant need to see the best in people I have allowed the worst in people to walk all over me. I reafuse to believe that there isn't more than what meets the eye, I see deeper, I always think there is something there and I am going to be the one to bring it out in someone. The truth is, people can't take their walls down no matter how high I climb. My desire to always please others has left me heartbroken and wounded in so many ways. Lost in a world not knowing where to turn next; every direction looking scarier than the option before it. While my intimate relationships have hurt me the most, I am not only referring to being lost in love. Life is scary and not having someone to share that with makes it even scarier. I have always thought I was tough. My family tells me I am that girl....you know the one, the kind who lights up the space she is in and makes everyone around her glow. I feel the light going out sometimes because it has been so bashed and broken it finds it hard to shine. Don't get me wrong, I will keep fighting, but I need to find a way to fight for me and let go of putting myself last in the line to please. I'm not sure how to do this, but you gotta start somewhere....

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy....or Jenna

One day you will wake up and not know how you got to where you are. Use those few moments in time to figure out where it is you want to be going and who you want to be with you when you get there.

Casualties of Dating

Yes, in every breakup we all lose a little bit: some self respect, maybe a little dignity, a lot of tears, and definitely a piece of our heart. In time this all come back, which is why that’s not what I am talking about in this little “rant” if you will.

I’m talking about the other casualties of dating, the material things you lose. The things you have left behind at the others house that you assume you are going to get back because you plan on there being a next visit. I’m talking about my shit. I want my shit back.

Now, I am generally not one to speak badly of people. I am divorced, and really with the exception of a couple times, you will never hear me say anything bad about my ex husband. I believe everyone is good but that not everyone is meant to be together. Could I say things about those I have been with…..absolutly!!!!! But, what is the point? Why go bashing someone who is no longer in your life? The things I do want back in my life however…..MY STUFF! Hahaha

It is a little known fact about me that I leave things places. My parents have called it “Jenna Junk” since I was a little kid (ok, I’m still little, hahaha, get your jokes about my height out now). Anywho, I forget things, I leave a trail, I put something down (take something off) and it stays there. Maybe subconsciously I like people to think of me when I’m not around so I leave a piece of me behind, I don’t know. Whatever the reason, when you’re dating this isn’t an issue. You assume you will be back to get your stuff.

There are 2 types of guys. I have in the recent past dealt with both.

Scenario One: Item left, shoes. Breakup happens, a week later I get a box with my shoes and a CD of PhotoShop (I had once mentioned how badly I wanted the program but couldn’t afford to buy it and didn’t know how to get it). The note just said “I hope you still wanted this.” This is the good guy ladies incase you didn’t know.

Scenario Two: Item left, hmmmm we will say earings. Didn’t even know a pseudo-breakup was happening as that week I had been told to come over, called baby, and blah blah blah. Who cares about the specifics? Anyway, he just stops talking to me. Out of no where! So, I politely say “Whatever, I’m done.” Nothing. I say “Can I stop by sometime to grab my…err….earings?” Nothing. Awesome. Why is this the guy that I would still chase after? Ahhhh, the heart always wants what it can’t have….including my earings!!! I want my shit back!

So, along with now learning to protect my heart, I need to remember to buy cheaper earings….or just pick up my stuff every time I leave. Dating is rough, so much to remember!

On my last Birthday I turned 25, this year I will be 30

I have spent the last 5 years not aging, but growing up quite a bit.

When it came time for me to turn 26, I refused. Let me explain…….

25 was hard for me. Very hard. I separated from my then husband, temporarily moved home with my parents, started a new career, then moved out and lived completely on my own and single for the first time in my life. I was terrified. When December rolled around and it was my Birthday, I should have been excited to get the year behind me and turn 26. Instead I was scared, upset and “didn’t want to do it.” You see, I had all these goals in my head of where I wanted to be at 26…..successful, happily married, at least one kid……I was no where near that dream. So, my friends and I decided that I wasn’t turning 26. We celebrated 25 the rerun. To add to that, I have been celebrating 25 ever since. I have never moved on. It never felt right to.

The last 5 years have changed me a lot. I have been learning, crying, laughing, suffering, growing, hurting, smiling…..but not ready to move on. I have been stuck at 25, not feeling like I deserved to get older because what have I done to prove that I have changed enough to become another year wiser? Have I proved that I can handle another year of life behind me? Have I wasted it?

At the end of this year I am supposed to turn 30. Am I scared? Yes. Am I ready? No. Am I going to do it? Yes. I have decided to embrace the fact that my future is completely unknown and I am terrified. I am going to take 30 (pardon my language) “by the balls” and kick its ass. I will start my 30’s by moving back out on my own and being single. I’m lonely and scared, but I am making the best of it and moving on.

I am not 25 (or Forever 21 even though I insist on still trying to shop there), I am going to be 30……30, flirty, and thriving. Who’s your Daddy!?!?

Life Lessons

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

Dramamine vs Raptor

I now know why they call them amusement parks. As a kid, I don't think you quite get all there is to these places. You think it is all about the rides, the games, the water slides.

You are wrong.

As an adult you learn it is about the people watching, the naseaua, the exhaustion, and did I mention the people watching???

OMG people. Its like my group of friends is the only classy people that have ever decided to enter Cedar Point! I mean for real! And yes, I am putting myself in the "classy" category. But it is sad. I don't understand how these people leave the house. First it makes you think, "Wow, I am way better then all the people here! What an ego boost!" Then you start looking around and you think "Wait, EVERYONE here is trashy, I mean EVERYONE. How can I be the only non WT here. That seems weird. Maybe I came on trailor park day and didn't know it. Ya, that must be it. Where are Britney Spears and her kids, they gotta be here somewhere, that will confirm it. Damn, no where to be found. Hmmmmm, ok, wait, now my ego is dropping a little. Am I trashy???? No, that can't be it. What is happening to the world? I am questioning my classiness!!!" And your inner-monologue just keeps going like this for a while. It's rough!

Let's review what I have seen: 300+ lb. women in bikinis; 300+lb. women with no pants over their bikinis dropping stuff in line and bending over....a lot; 15 year olds who think Miley Cyrus is not a whore so they dress like her; 11 year old who do the same; 70 year old women who remind me of the old lady in There's Something About Mary....you know the one, she drinks, and smokes, and lays out in the sun with the aluminum foil; skinny girls who still buy their shorts a size too small and have the stupid roll over that makes us normal size girls want to smack them. And that's just the girls.

It's bad. Amusement Park....yes, I was amused, and disgusted. The 99 degree heat and sweat and stank (yes, it was so bad it was stAnk) didn't help.

Ahhhh, onto the nasuea. I must be getting old because I used to start my day by running to the first line to get a good opening spot. This time I started by making sure I had taken my first dose of dramamine for the day and that I had enough to "reboost" at lunch time. Pathetic. I remember rides like the Raptor being smooth and easy. This time around it kicked my ass. Where before I dreaded waiting in line, I now needed that as my recovery time. Who knew 29 was the age where I began to go downhill.

All that being said, who wants to go to Cedar Point this weekend? I will bring the dramamine if you bring your ability to laugh with me at everyone else there. I mean, after all, we will be the only classy people there =)

My life as told by Kate Voegle

So this story goes on down
The less traveled road
It's a variation on
The one I was told
And although it's not the same
It's awful close, yeah

In an ordinary fairy tale land
There's a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing

So please be my
Forever and almost always
And I'll be fine
Just love me when you can, yeah
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh, that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head

Oh, and just when I believe
You've changed for good
Well, you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would
When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you're off the hook

Because you're my
Forever and almost always
Oh, and I'm fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

Toy Story

Like a rag doll I lay
Waiting to be picked up
Knowing you will hold me
If I only play your game

Sometimes I come to life
Trying to search for my voice
Wanting to say so much
Finding it turns out the same

I want to find a way
To tell you please stay
Please don't shut me out
Please don't let me down
In my little toy story
I get lost in the game
Letting you run around
Letting you put me down

Why is it so hard
Where did I go wrong
Who have I become
When are we going to play

What do you have to say

I need to find a way
To tell you please stay
Please don't shut me out
Please don't let me down
In my little toy story
I get lost in the game
Letting you run around
Letting you put me down
Please don't put me down

Geek Chic

I went to the eye doctor for the first time in 6 years yesterday. I've been a bad patient. Naughty Jenna. (Insert spank here) Anywho, I went, finally.

So, I sit in the chair and look through the first machine and see a pretty picture with a barn as the Dr. explains that he is checking my eye for my far sightedness and my ummmmm astigmatism? "Do you know what that is?" he asks. He says your eye is not round, its kind of bumpy. Great, I have a bumpy eye. I immediatly think of my stomach from last week when it was burned and then I got all sweaty and got water bumps (dont pretend this has never happened to you) and it was all gross and bumpy. Awesome, that is what my eye looks like. Great. And I have been told my eyes are my best feature, so what does that say about the rest of me? Wow, I must be a looker if my bumpy eyes are the best thing I have to offer. Its no wonder I am still single.

So, now all depressed we move on. He asks about my eye drop usage. Like a crack addict I say I use daily. I wake up with itchy eyes people. Well, as it turns out, the drops I use over time will cause the symptoms they are curing and I will have red eyes.

OMG, PERMANENT RED BUMPY EYES!!!!!!! SEXY Y'ALL! Can we say I am a hott piece of a$$!!!

Alright, so I need glasses, shocker. I mean, do I need to wear them all the time to see, no. Should I to be clearer and not strain and get headaches? Yes. So, trying to make myself feel better I am going to get a nice designer pair. Its me, if I have to wear glasses, they are going to say Armani, or Gucci, or Juicy on the side people, lets be honest. So I start looking and I am stressed. Totally overwhelmed. I can't make a decision on where to eat lunch on my own let alone how to spend a couple hundred dollars?!?!?!?!? I call in reinforcements. Friends always help.

I have 2 choices. A classic Juicy metal frame, a little more daily wear. Or a plastic Gucci "Geek Chic" large trendy frame. I hate choices. I am always afraid I am making the wrong one. Always. I let my friend pick. I am happy.

I get home and my family hates the decision. Hates it.

I call, I cancel the order. I ask to hold until I can come back in.

I am starting over and looking more.

I'm never going to decide.

I live my life in limbo because I can't make decisions.

Damn glasses.

And now I am stuck with bumpy eyes, blurred vision, headaches, frustration, no awesome glasses to make me a hott sexy librarian to dress up as. Ya, I was gonna role play. Not sure with whom, but I was gonna make it work for me.

Not sure I can find a way to make the red bumy eyes as sexy.

Damn.

Rainstorms and spooning

I hate the rain.

Ok wait, I shouldn't say that, it can actually be very nice and possibly even sexy....when you aren't alone and terrified.

When alone I resemble a mixture between a frightened toddler and a cat looking for a safe place under the bed to hide from the thunder. I don't like to be alone. Usually I am totally fine being by myself...ok, ok, don't get me wrong, I have reached a point where I would rather have someone else in bed with me at night, its comforting and nice, and I like to lay there and talk (with or without the words as Sugarland says), but I am ok being alone. Until it rains. The first crack of thunder and I reach for my phone and tell someone to come keep me company.

I asked for company. I tried to not be alone. I just wanted to be the little spoon for a few hours.

I spent the night sitting in the middle of my bed clutching my pillow and not sleeping because I was scared.

Sucks.

If Martina McBride can sing about it, then it must be ok

With a broken wing, she carries her dreams, man you oughtta see her fly.

Yes, wings may be broken, but I am actually doing alright. Things are good on the chase. I think I am finding a happy medium between flying to be caught and chasing my own match. It's all about balance.

Where is the love

Don't you love how you wake up somedays and there are those people in your life who although they may not intend to have a way of making you feel like every decision you have made and everything you have done has led up to you being one giant fat messy failure. I need a hug.

Being female basically sucks balls

AND, you are actually expected to suck balls! (Graphic, I know, sorry) But really, where is the fareness! For real!

I have decided that my life is a Taylor Swift song. Yes, I am almost 30 and I am relating to a teenager who can't sing. Anywho, she has this one catchy song about her friends all being jealous of this perfect boyfriend who does everything thing right and blah blah blah while all she can focus on is yelling and fighting in the rain with someone else.

So, ok, technically, I have neither one of these situations...technically; however, I COMPLETLY see her point. Perfect is fine, and maybe what I need, but I can't stop myself from going after the one who brings the drama.

This butterfly is currently flying with a broken wing.

Being the butterfly

I am a dreamer, a chaser, a girl who gets what she wants...or tries to anyway. I see something I like and I go after it. Life is to short to wait for it to come to me, why play games, why be subtle, if you want something, go get it.

This has been my philosophy. I see a pair of shoes I want, why wait for the sale when they might not have my size.....just get them now. Decide Iwant to run in a race.....don't stop training until I succeed. Find someone I am interested in, why play coy and wait for them to call me.....pick up the phone and ask them out. I have always been that girl, the one who just goes after it, what have I got to lose?

I have recently discovered that it may not be what I am losing, but what I am catching that is the problem. You see, I think I am catching bugs in my net. I am out there running after something beautiful and chasing the hope of finding love and happiness. At the end of the day I have caught lightening bugs. I am so busy not looking where I am going and being distracted by the bright lights these tricky lightening bugs emit, that I cannot help but to run after them. Only once I get close I realize they may be flashy, but their lights eventually run out and they leave me in the dark. Every now and then you catch a glimpse of that light again, and you get some hope that what you saw initially that attracted you is still there, but then the light goes out again and your net feels somehow emptier than before.

I wonder then, why do I keep chasing?

I am going to try something new, something very different for me. I am going to try and be the butterfly. You see, a butterfly starts out as a small caterpillar and spends time changing into what they are to become....takes its time to be ready to fly. Right now I am preparing, I am not quite ready to completly let go and spread my wings. I'm getting there.

It's a scary thing for me to imagine, but I am trying to let myself be the one who is caught. I know I am being chased. There are multiple nets out there playing in the wind trying to capture me. I have been so busy running around chasing lightening bugs that I haven't allowed anyone to have a chance to catch me. I have to learn that I don't have to always be doing the chasing. That maybe, for a change, I should let myself be caught. I am worth being chased. I have always gone after what I want because I can't imagine someone coming after me.......but if I ever stopped running for just a second I would see all the possibilities I have passed up because I have been running so fast, chasing all the wrong bugs.

This isn't easy. It's very hard actually.

But here is my shot......

I'm trying to be the butterfly.

Goal Set.....Goal Met!

Yesterday I ran my first race! I set out to finish the Cleveland Rite-Aid 10k in under 1 hour 15 minutes and my official chip time was 1:14:30! I am very proud of myself. I know I am slow, but to me, this is a huge accomplishment. I was able to keep my pace the whole way through and stay consistant, which as a beginning runner I struggled a lot with this and had trouble running any distance because I couldn't get a rythym. I didn't have to walk at all, I just told myself to keep moving. For me, it was about finishing, proving to myself that I could do it....that if I set my mind to something I was still strong enough to go out there and do it. I may not be the best, but I did the best for me and today I am feeling very good. Truth be told, the whole time I was running I kind of wanted to cry because a year ago this was never something I could have done. Hell, 6 months ago this was something I never could have done. But I have worked hard, and I have proved to myself that I am capable. It may be a small accomplishment, but to me, it is the start of knowing that I can do it.

Why do we do it?

Why when we know the stove it hot do we insist on touching it over and over again?

I love Marc Broussard

Cast my eyes towards the sky
Looking down on me
So far all I've seen are clouds
But I'm not gonna let 'em get me down

No way
No how
Not ever
Not now

There's gotta be more here
Than what I see

Walking down the road again
One step at a time
So far all I've seen are stop signs
But I'm not gonna let 'em get me this time

My life
Keep my head high

There's gotta be more here
Than what I see

Are those the clouds of my mind that hide the stars
Will I ever find the road that leads me home again
Does it seem so far
From looking way too hard
Now I know my heart is where my searching all begins

High low is where I stand
Looking for the man in charge

I belive there's more to see
Cause the dirt has been wiped away from my eyes and
I know what I'm supposed to be
There's got to be more
There's got to be more

Learning to float

I have been swimming once before. I almost drowned. For years the water filled up my lungs and I was barely breathing. Each breath got harder and harder to take and each step felt heavier because I was beginning to fill up with water. I didn't feel as if there was a way out. Those around me saw me sinking, but no one could pull me out because I was letting it happen. I wanted to be in the pool of love so badly that even though I knew I would drown before I got in I dove anyway. Head first. I got knocked out when I hit the bottom and I never came back up.

Four years later I was pulled out, and I vowed never to swim again. This is a weird thing. You give your life to someone, infront of God and family, you vow to remain with them forever, and here I was promising myself I was never going to do that to myself again.

I have spent two years pushing away every man who has tried to get close to me. Maybe they weren't right, maybe it was me, whatever the reason, I haven't attempted to get close to the water. It terrifies me. I think about it and I shut off.

Today, I find myself in a new place for the first time. I think this place scares me even more. I find myself wanting to swim. I don't know what to do with this new realization that I am willing to try to get wet again. I find myself being willing to want to be with someone, wanting to have someone in my arms at night, and there when I wake up in the morning. That scares me, because I have not been willing to want. When you want, you get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to be let down, I don't want the weight of drowning to pull me under. For the first time in a long time I have hope that there may be someone out there. Michael Buble says, "I just haven't met you yet" I am willing to believe that it hasn't gone right for me because I haven't found the right one yet, but that when I do they will help me walk into the water carefully and to help me learn how to float......

Sleep Deprived

Have you ever been so past the point of tired that everything makes you want to cry? Like you become completely irrational and emotional and you just want to cry. Just a little bit. Maybe for no reason, maybe they put 4 cucumbers on your sandwich at Subway and you don't like the number 4 and it has upset you. Maybe you think you messed up something. Whatever it is, your tired and sleepy and need a nap or something because really, you're eyes are either going to close in 5 minutes or start to leak....like a fountain.

Ahhh, I'm alone for a week while my roomies are in Jamaica

And by roomies I of course mean my parents =)

So, as they are preparing to leave for a week in Jamaica for my cousins wedding (ya, I couldn't afford to go, don't get me started, I sssooooooo want to be there, I mean caugh of the dough mom and dad and take me and sister with you! haha) we are going over the "What not to do while we are gone list" and also the "Please remember to do this list" Mind you, I am almost 30 years old, I have lived on my own since I was 18 until this little stay at home and get a savings thing started a few months ago, so I am perfectly capable of running a household (did someone say PARTY AT MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway, the lists, feed the cat, get the mail, take out the garbage on Friday, blah blah blah.

Side note (that becomes very important). My room is hott. Like it totally deserves the extra T in the word because it gets Texas Whore House steamy in there. I don't know why, but it sucks. So for a while now I have needed a fan, but my daddy is....how shall we say.....less than handy? So, his brother was in town this weekend and yes, big brother put a ceiling fan in my room. And bad ass that he is, I got a remote and a dimmer switch so I can control it from my bed and make the lights any level I want and it is all fancy and nice and they can go real low and pretty and.... Ok, so here is the conversation

Daddy: So, Jenna, you know how the fan works, you got it all down?

Me: Yes dad, I am capable, thanks.

Daddy: And you got the rules for while we are gone?

Me: Again, yes, got it, Check!

Daddy: No boys in the house either, promise?

Me: Then why the Hell did you just install mood lighting in my bedroom before you leave me alone for the week!?!?!?!

Daddy:.........

Mom (from the other room): Jenna, ........, I.......

Me: haha, just saying

Daddy: What did I raise?

Me: You want me to answer that?

Daddy: Better not, just behave.

Me: *Big smile*


---Conversations that are funny when had with your parents. I love freaking them out, they are easy targets =)

I am pretty sure they lace Trefoils with Crack

You know those Girls Scouts. Those poor little girls get sucked into a system with a hidden agenda. Get people hooked on cookies. They put these innocent looking girls on street corners wearing nothing but their sashes (with badges of course....show what your good at) to sell cookies laced with drugs. Men come alone and are like, "Well, hmmm, I gotta support the local economy, my wife will like some cookies." So he buys a few boxes unknowingly providing her with a drug that she will then crave beyond control.

Yes, this happened to me. I came home the other day to see the blue box of Trefoils in my pantry. Although in my case seeing as how I am single and living at home (as we have already assessed previously, I am a loser) my mom must have bought them. I closed the pantry door and walked away. Whew, so proud of me! That lasted all of 5 minutes. I went back, was like, I'll have just one. So 7 cookies later I went to bed. I got up the next morning, had 5 for breakfast, and went to work.

You might be thinking at this point that my mistake has already been made.

You would be wrong.

I got home from work and yelled at my mom. Told her that Trefoils must have crack in them because I have eaten half the box in less than 24 hours and I can't stop!!! I was going running (yes, I am still attempting to train for the half-marathon....although at my current cookie eating rate it is not looking good), and I wanted her to get rid of the box while I was gone. Get it out of the house, do something with it, anything, I didn't care, just rid me of my temptation. (Take note, this is where my mistake was made)

So I ran. I came home. I had some dinner. I was watching TV. I needed a snack. I went to the pantry.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOM, WHERE ARE THE COOKIES (there is no swwearing at Pammy's)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????

Mom: I got rid of them. You told me to.

Me: And you took me seriously???? Are you nuts? I need them! Where did you put them? Are they downstairs? In your car? In the gargage? TELL ME!!!

Mom: Jenna, they aren't here. I got rid of them.

Tears, lots of irrational tears. There might have been some convulsing, I'm not sure.

The next day I can think of nothing but cracked out Chris Kattan dressed as a Girl Scout saying "Ya guuuuys want some coookiiiies???" It basically is killing me.

I get to my girls night with my friends, we are sitting chatting when one girl walks in and says that she brought desert for us. OMG, SHE BROUGHT TREFOILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't want to outright look like a total junkie so I think I contained myself well. Only a little twitching.....and 7 cookies.

My friends may think I am crazy, but I got my fix. Those damn pushers....I mean girlscouts.

I wish I was taller, I wish I was a baller...

I wish I was a funny mom blog.

You know the one's. Like http://barefootfoodie.com or http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com/ Now those peeps are funny. I mean, who doesn't want to read about little boys teabagging the cat. Now that shit is funny.

I can't even write about all the stupid shit husbands do (and yes, we all know they are total dumb lazy asses sometimes) or the sweet things the do to make up for it. The stories I have include ridicuously awful and gross men getting my attention by blowing (yes, blowing) on my head while I am at the bar.

Let me tell you how this went. I am casually having a conversation with a friend of mine when I feel a gail force wind hit the back of my head. I turn around to see a shady man saying to me, "Oh, you are just as cute as I thought you would be." I try to be polite and say "Thank you" before turning around and looking totally freaked out. He then proceeds to talk to me and says, "I wanted to get your attention, but I thought interrupting you would be rude." And I say back (not so nicely anymore) "And you thought blowing on me was a better option???" He proceeded to not get the hint for quite a while until help had to step in and save me. (Which that in itself was HISTERICAL because another friend of mine not realizing she was loud because she had a few drink yelled to me---HELP IS ON THE WAY!!!---It was awesome. Well, we thought so, creeper thought it was rude.) Yes, this is what is out there for those who are single. Exciting, isn't it?

So ya, I wish I could be a funny mom blog. I'll think of something. I'm determined =)

Breathe

Its good to hear a voice that you miss...

I have no right to be angry or upset.....but I am lol

I set myself up. Like any girl who wants more than her head is telling her she is going to get, my heart set me up. I fell. And those who know me know that when I met him a couple years ago I fell hard. Did I ever get what I needed from him.....no. But I made excuses because he was leaving and I really did see so much more in him than what I got. It is times like this where I hate myself a little bit for seeing more in people than what might be there. I will not change, it is who I am, but one of these days I want to find someone who has what I see, what I believe they are capable of. I want to not be let down.

Anyway, I won't say that I completly put my life on hold the year he was gone. I dated, casually a couple times and seriously once. But we still spoke often and talked about getting together when he came home all the time. It always seemed like just when I was going to give up because it was just to hard to hold onto, I would hear from him, like some kind of sign that I needed to keep trying because he was thinking of me too. I missed his call once and truthfully, I still have the VM saved on my phone. I don't listen to it, but I can't force myself to delete it. Crazy person, I know. But, as you'll learn, I am not sure that I will ever hear from him again, so I can't find the strength to delete the only sound of his voice I have. Ya, I'm pathetic. Thank GOD I know he doesn't know about this blog and will never see this.

So ya, why do girls put ourselves in situations where we will be hurt. I know we all do it or have done it. In my case I thought having a part of him was better than having none of him. After almost a year together than a year apart I was completly shocked and heartbroken to learn he did not want anything when he got home. Then why did we talk about it all the time? Why bother calling from thousands of miles away? Why bother chatting about.... Oh well, what's done is done. I just wanted to see him. To know he was ok. To know he made it through alright. To know it didn't affect him. Did I get my answers? I don't know. I saw him yes, but do I know what I needed to know......I'm not sure. I don't know if there is more there like I always thought and he is just affected from what he went through, or if there never was anything more to begin with. All I know, is I waited a long time for him to come home and even though people say I should be over him because I have seen him 2 times in a year and a half, I'm not. I'm not because for a year and a half I expected so much more to happen when he got here. Before he left, we spent a lot of time together and I spent months crying when he was gone, but I kept it together with what I thought would happen when he was to come home. Now he's home and there is nothing. So I start the recovery........

???

I had a post yesterday and I went to go look at a comment left and the whole post dissapeared? Weird!! So, now I don't know who commented and my post is gone =( Oh well, I was complaining anyway so I guess it was a sign I shouldn't have put it up in the first place, lol

Slowly I will finish.....

I am determined! It is week 3 of training for the half marathon and I am feeling good. I am scared out of my mind that I won't be able to do it, but I will find a way. I have been running for 3 weeks, I am up to 3 miles and I will do 4 on Saturday. On my off days I am doing a 20 min workout at home that I love. I got it from you-tube, but it is done by this girl I met at a class I went to a few weeks ago. She was great and mentioned I should look it up. It is an 8 week program that changes every week, so it is keeping my muscles interested =)

I am finding a good pace and rythym for me, but I know I am beyond slow. What I have learned though is that other runners are incredibly supportive. It is nice to have random people saying good job when I am excited that I ran 3 miles for the first time in my life. They may do it in half the time I do, but I DID IT, I AM DOING IT =) And people get that, and I love it. So, it is with that encouragement and my crazy stubborness that I know I will find a way to finish 13 miles on race day. I am excited, scared, but crazy excited!

The Mayonnaise Jar.....

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle--When 24 Hours in a day is not enough--Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, without saying a word, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students, if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectivelyfilling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - family,children, health, friends, and favorite passions – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So...pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented....

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'



-----Please, I hope that we all remember this. I know I sometimes let the "sand" get in the way of my life and control my days and I am working really hard on not letting that happen. Take the time to breathe and remember what is important. Try to figure out what and who your "golf balls" are and make sure you are putting them into your life first every day. All my love.....

Lady Gaga stole my look

Crazy B***h totally stole my look. I mean not the whole "dress like a complete freak and wear creepy hair bows thing," but the "never wear any pants" thing.....thats TOTALLY mine. Anyone who knows me knows I am the queen of walking around in my underwear. If I never had to put pants on again in my life I think I would be ok with it. Ok, sometimes a kick butt pair of jeans makes you feel all sexy and what not, and lets be honest, I guess you like to leave a little up to the imagination on a first date. But really, ya, I hate pants.

When I was in college I lived in a co-ed dorm and the guys that lived next door to us got in the habit of saying "Does Jenna have pants on?" before they came in. Ya, they knew.

When I get home, I can't wait to take my pants off. I will sit there in my underwear all night. Ok, now I live at home (I know, loser), so for my dad's sake I do put shorts on (your welcome), but when I am alone.....no pants. I sleep in my underwear, I clean in my underwear, I mean pants are pointless. And then here come Lady Gaga, all crazy and weird and she makes it a fashion statement when I have been rockin that look hard core for years.

Bitch.

13.1 miles to victory

12 weeks and 13.1 miles.

I am very intimidated.

I am not a runner to say the least. I never have been. I was a gymanst for many years and even then I never felt I had the endurance I should have. I always wished I could be one of those people that could just pick up and run....didn't have to go to the gym to get on a piece of equipment to work out, but could just thrown on some shoes and go. I had this vision of it being cathardic. Stress relieving. Then I got it in my head that I wanted to run a half marathon and I started "pre-training"......ITS BORING! I am not sure if at 29 I have suddenly developed ADD or what, but I get sidetracked after about 15 minutes of jogging and am only able to push myself for about another 5 (which in my slow body is just about 1.5 miles....ya, I am very slow). It could be that I am in Ohio (Cleveland to be exact...yes, just voted most miserable city in the country) and it is February and cold and snowy and I am forced to run on a treadmill therefore I can't stop looking at the clock. Maybe it would be better outside, I don't know. We will have to wait and see. But yes, I get very bored.

So let me just say why I am doing this. Last year (Jan-April 2009) I lost about 25 lbs. Yay me =) It felt good and to be honest it came off pretty easy. I had spent 5 years being lazy and when I decided to take life "by the balls" and workout again my body reacted quite nicely. I knew at that point I had more to go, but I wanted to see how easy it would be to keep it off and not gain anything back. Turns out, a year later I haven't worked that hard at keeping it off, just changed some eating habits, work out moderatly, and I have managed to not only not gain anything back but lose about 5 more. Now, I still have about 20 more to lose to be ideally where I want to be. I am short, small framed, I shouldn't be nearly as big as I still am. Anyway, I know the last 20 are hard and I assumed that I would have to do something a lot harder to get it off then what I had last year. So the idea of finally trying to run a half-marathon came to me. What better time than now. So, in October I started jogging to get my body used to it....ya, it didn't like it so much. I took the Holiday's off, not really by choice, but I had no time. January I traveled a lot and then Feb. 1st came and I started jogging again. This time it was not so bad and I found that I could jog for 20 min and not get soar or winded....just bored.

Today starts the "official" 12 week training program for the race. May 16th, Cleveland Half-Marathon. I am totally intimidated. I know that if I can't do it I can always end up running the 5k or 10k (neither of which I have done before either), but I really want this, and I am stubborn. So, I might try and keep some sort of log on here, I may need some motivation (if anyone stumbles on this and wants to give me some), but most of all, I need to do this for me. I need to prove that after all I have been through and done that I can still put my mind to something and succeed. Running may seem like a small accomplishment, but it is a metaphor for success to me at this point....I can do it, and I will.

Social Networking.....am I really better off?

Hi.

I'm Jenna.

I'm addicted to FB.

Whew, I feel better. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? It all started just about a year and a half ago when a good long time friend of mine gave birth to her first baby. At the time I was on MySpace frequently (which has since turned into a whore site, so I am glad I made the change, lol), but was never really into FB (and yes, I am so addicted that I can use the shortened "letter only" terminology for it, I am that cool). Anywho, this friend was on FB, a new mother, and as you can imagine VERY busy. She politely told me that the nighttime was off limit for phone calls as that was now considered family time (totally understandable), and that if I wanted to talk to her and KIT for the time being until life got settled, FB was my option. So I converted. Very reluctantly at first, then I became totally immersed in the culture of the updates, the picture sharing, the commenting, the total knowledge of what was going on with people. I could KIT with those I loved dearly that due to new life changes I was not getting to see, and those that I had not seen in years that I wish I had never lost touch with. HOW AMAZING IS THIS THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And lucky me, I even scored a few dates out of this. Yes, I managed to turn FB into E-Harmony. That went well. (do you sense the sarcasm?)

Now, almost 2 years later I am finding myself in a precarious situation. I have had my ups and downs with FB. I love the ability to keep in touch and share experiences and motivate and make people smile (and have people help me smile when I need it); however, I have recently come to despise the fact that you can discover that people lie. I will give people the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe they don't mean to. It's what I do, I am a pleaser and I like to see people happy. I also can't fathom lying to those I love. Maybe as a kid/teenager I did, but I have grown up, I have matured, I have changed....I guess I assumed we all had. Regardless if they mean to or not, their lies hurt, and if they say one thing and then put another out there in Internet world it will be discovered and it is hurtful. Some things I have seen are minuscule and alone are not that bad, but they open the door to more serious issues and pain that hurts me very deeply.

So, social networking. Are we really better off? The constant need to share what we are doing, to know what others are doing at every moment even if it hurts. Is it worth it?

Hi.

I'm Jenna.

I'm addicted to FB.

I wanna be a Toys R Us kid.....

When I was 5 I was convinced that I would be a bus driver. I mean, what kid doesn't look forward to getting on the big yellow transportationmobile and heading off to school with all the "big kids"? So, in my little mind, driving it would be even better! Ya, that dream faded quickly when I realized how gross school busses were.

I matured at 6 and was sure I would be an Olympic gymnast by the time I was 15. I mean, I was in the rainbow program and headed onto the competitive team. Duh, the Olympics is next! Sadly, the American's won the 1996 Olympic Gold without me. I could just have easily done that vault on one like like Kerri Strug....psshh, bitch please, any level 9 gymnast can handle that. Haha

Somewhere around 1990 my sister and I got involved in community theatre. You know what came next? Star Search! It was coming to Cleveland! OMG, we TOTALLY had to go. We were obsessed with the show and of course we would win and a sister type act....hello, we are adorable and loveable, and well, we are awesome! But no, do you know what we had to do that day? Write a paper. Ya, we had homework, and having an English teacher for a mother means no skipping homework to go become famous. I bet Britney's mom didn't make her do her homework (ok, she turned out to be a trainwreck, but we would have been solid and stable with good morals and only slighty slutty to sell our records). We are talking like Hillary and Halie Duff, but WAY better.

By the time I got to college I was sure of my passion. Pharmacy. I loved it. I studied it for 3 years in college and was sure I wanted nothing more than to continue on to the 8 year Doctorine program at OSU. By year 4 I had fallen in love and decided I did not want to spend the first few years of married life in school so on the brink of assuming I would get engaged I changed my major and got a degree in Sociology. Well, we all know how well that whole marriage thing worked out for me (See: "What a day, what a day, what a silly little day").

So, what do I wanna be when I grow up. Wait, Holy Shit! I am gonna be 30 this year!?!?!?!? It's not when I grow up....I am grown up! Oh my goodness, when the #$%#$#$ did that happen!!!! Bus driver---Hell no! Olympic gymnast---HAHAHAHAHAHA! Famous musician/dancer/actress/total kick butt "triple threat"---still in my dreams Pharmacist---way too late for that! WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't wanna grow up, I wanna be a Toys R Us kid!

It happens....

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to overthink it
Just let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
And we try so hard to understand it
The irrefutable, indisputable fact is
Pshhhh, it happens....

-Sugarland

The Power of 3

Ahhhhh, Disney World.

Where magic happens and dreams come true. Where couples, families, and friends get together to celebrate all the happy things in the world.

I had spent the day wandering around Epcot (alone) enjoying the....ummm...festivites (ie, beers) of the various countries around the world. (I was alone, where I went for my honeymoon, just days after a breakup.....don't judge my drinking! LOL). I carefully avoided the rides in fear of the "SINGLE RIDER" call and being forced to stand with the only other "single riders" in the park. You know the ones. We have all seen them and laughed a little first and then felt bad for it and told ourselves we are bad people and are going to Hell and we pity the rider a little bit then we laugh a little more. I mean really, who wears lime green tights (with a matching bow the size of something Lady Gaga would put in her head), with the Disney shirt they bought that day, a kick ass plastic visor (hehe), 4 yes count them 4 huge Disney princess necklaces, an Eor backpack, and their camera around their neck? Unless you are 4 that is......not 40, 500lbs, and smell like garlic (to keep away all the bad spirits at Disney???). So ya, I did not want to be a "SINGLE RIDER" and be thought of as one of those. Call me vain, go ahead, I'll allow it just this once =)

Then I passed Soarin. Which if you are not familiar is a ride that makes you feel like you are flying (or so I have heard, last time I was there...hmmm, for my honeymoon, grrr....it was not there yet). So, I was dying to ride it. After some pacing and much consideration I sucked it up and went in. It was an 80 minute wait. YAY! 80 minutes of everyone around me going "Who is she with? Do you think she is alone? Who comes alone? How sad. Poor girl. She's adorable (hehe) I wonder why no one is with her?" As soon as I got in line I was next to this older couple who immediatly reminded me of my Grandparents just from watching them. It made me smile. 5 minutes in, a group of Asian girls came barrelling through (pretending not to speak English...bitches) and cut infront of about 40 people. The normal me...feisty and a little pissy at times, would have said something. But....I was in the company of "my grandparents" so I kept to myself. Then the woman spoke her first words to me, "How rude!" Ahhh, and we talked the rest of the 75 minute wait. They were a great couple!

We got up to the front of the line and I was about to prepare to say good-bye because they were splitting people off when my Disney magic happened. The your kid asked the older gentleman how many were in his party and without even thinking he responded "There are 3 of us." 3? Did he say 3? As in, himself, his wife....and, OMG, he included me!!!!!!!!!!! No hesitation at all. "There are 3 of us." I smiled my biggest smile and thanked him so much for including me (holding back my tears because at that moment I felt so magical......cliche, but whatev, its Disney so deal with it!). He just smiled back and said "We enjoy your company, of course you are coming on with us."

Moral here.....sometimes the "Single Rider" just needs someone to reach out and say "There are 3 of us." It just might make their day =)

I love you, but I hope birds peck your eyes out

Break ups are hard. Very hard. Especially when sometimes you are not even sure why you broke up or if you made the right choice. You spend months sharing details of your life and your time with someone and then suddenly its over. Who do you call when you suddenly find yourself in your own personal Hell of eating lunch surrounded by birds and you need saving? You want someone to both comfort you in your moment of trauma and someone to laugh at you because really, it is completly irrational and you want them to make you feel better. Up until only days before this experience, you had this person. Now who do you call? If you are me, you decide that you are almost 30, mature, and can be adult about this so you make the call anyway. It makes you feel worse.

Have you heard of the 3 month rule? A married friend of mine told me about it. He said that when he got to be in his late 20's he instituted the 3 month rule. If after 3 months you do not seriously see marriage potential with the person you are dating then you have to cut them loose. After all, we aren't getting any younger, right? I thought about this a long time and thought it was harsh because what if you just don't know. I mean, I am divorced, I don't know if I want that again, is 3 months enough time to make a call like that, what if I cut someone loose too soon, what if I am having a good time and really like someone, what if they really like me, what if I just don't know, what if, what if, what if.......? How can you end something just because you aren't sure of what the future holds?

Enter my life......my recent breakup. I care more about this person than I think he will ever understand or ever believe. What hurts the most is that I know he will never see this either because he has cut me out in a way that it seems like I almost never existed. Truth is, I don't think anyone really reads this, but it is a way for me to say what I have to say. I questioned the decision to end this relationship more than I can explain, and I probably would never even have done so if things had not been brought up to me. I would have gone on being happy spending time together because the enjoyment of his company made me smile so very much. But in the end, that would not have been fair. As it turns out I felt that he was not getting what he needed from someone he cared about and due to circumstances beyone my control because of timing and situation, I cannot give him what he needs. I saw no other way, and it breaks my heart. It hurts because I know he is hurting and I worry, and it hurts because I didn't want our time to be over. I just didn't want to spend the forseeable future having the same argument about timing and situation when there was nothing we could do to change those things. He might have been willing to settle for what he could have now....actually, I am pretty sure that he was. I wanted to say, lets work it out then, lets just struggle through this and see if it gets better, but I could not find it within myself to do that to him. Who wants to be with someone knowing that in their heart they want more and need more. I care deeply about this person, but at the end of the day I am not enough. What I have to give at this point in time is not enough. I wish with all my heart that it was.....I want my goodnight call, I want to be enough. Frankly, I'm tired of not being enough, but timing is a lot in relationships and I think, for both of us, the timing is not right on this one.

So, while I wish the best and continue to worry and pray that God will watch where my eyes can no longer see I can only hope that under his pain he hopes the best for me too. There were very hurtful messages sent while I was trying to be mature and sincere and I understand that pain makes us do and say things we would normally never do, so I will not hold grudges (its not my style) and I hope that if this message ever finds its way to him he knows that I am a friend and always here to help. And really, I do care more than I am sure he knows.........