I set myself up. Like any girl who wants more than her head is telling her she is going to get, my heart set me up. I fell. And those who know me know that when I met him a couple years ago I fell hard. Did I ever get what I needed from him.....no. But I made excuses because he was leaving and I really did see so much more in him than what I got. It is times like this where I hate myself a little bit for seeing more in people than what might be there. I will not change, it is who I am, but one of these days I want to find someone who has what I see, what I believe they are capable of. I want to not be let down.
Anyway, I won't say that I completly put my life on hold the year he was gone. I dated, casually a couple times and seriously once. But we still spoke often and talked about getting together when he came home all the time. It always seemed like just when I was going to give up because it was just to hard to hold onto, I would hear from him, like some kind of sign that I needed to keep trying because he was thinking of me too. I missed his call once and truthfully, I still have the VM saved on my phone. I don't listen to it, but I can't force myself to delete it. Crazy person, I know. But, as you'll learn, I am not sure that I will ever hear from him again, so I can't find the strength to delete the only sound of his voice I have. Ya, I'm pathetic. Thank GOD I know he doesn't know about this blog and will never see this.
So ya, why do girls put ourselves in situations where we will be hurt. I know we all do it or have done it. In my case I thought having a part of him was better than having none of him. After almost a year together than a year apart I was completly shocked and heartbroken to learn he did not want anything when he got home. Then why did we talk about it all the time? Why bother calling from thousands of miles away? Why bother chatting about.... Oh well, what's done is done. I just wanted to see him. To know he was ok. To know he made it through alright. To know it didn't affect him. Did I get my answers? I don't know. I saw him yes, but do I know what I needed to know......I'm not sure. I don't know if there is more there like I always thought and he is just affected from what he went through, or if there never was anything more to begin with. All I know, is I waited a long time for him to come home and even though people say I should be over him because I have seen him 2 times in a year and a half, I'm not. I'm not because for a year and a half I expected so much more to happen when he got here. Before he left, we spent a lot of time together and I spent months crying when he was gone, but I kept it together with what I thought would happen when he was to come home. Now he's home and there is nothing. So I start the recovery........
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