Optimism can break your heart

I recently finished reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" for the 2nd time. The first time I read it I had just separated my from then husband. I didn't remember much about the book other then it spoke to me in such a way that I knew I had to read it again. When I opened it up there were lines highlighted, parts underlined, things I obviously wanted myself to remember. It is amazing how these things still speak to me.

One part inparticular is such a part of who I am that I don't know if I can ever change it no matter how hard I try. In much better wording then I can ever communicate Elizabeth Gilbert talks about letting her optimism get in the way of her relationships. She, like me sees the very best in everyone. It's not that I am trying to change someone into something else, because I would NEVER want anyone to be anything other than exactly who they are, its just that I see what they already have in them and I try to bring out another side maybe they are afraid to express. I think sometimes (maybe even from knowing myself that I need someone who is willing to help me) that we need someone who will help us be who we are afraid to try and become. I never want to change someone, just help them be what they already are. I guess what I have failed to realize though is that they also have to be a willing participant.

Thats where I struggle. I am always optomistic. When I see someone who looks at me, and acts as though they want to be with me I assume they do. When I see so much inside a person, maybe more then they know exists, or more then they are willing at the time to admit is there, I get so hopeful---so hopeful infact that I am willing to be treated like crap and kicked around just for the few moments where I feel like the only woman that exists in the world. The problem with this is....those moments are few and far between and there comes a time where you have to make a choice. Do I want more, or I am ok with the status quo. Me being Miss Optomistic always assumes in asking for more I am going to get it. Why, when I feel the way I do, would I not get what I want? You would think by now I would realize that is not the way it works.

Why then do I continue to try? Why then do I continue to be optomistic? Why then do I continue to put myself out there? To be held? To be smiled at? To be wrapped up? To be called on? To be pulled back in? To be toyed with? To be played? To be hurt? To be broken? Why as women do we do it to ourselves?

I don't know how to stop being optomistic. I don't know how to stop seeing the best in people. I don't know how to not read into looks, touches, words, messages, and moments. Is my only option to take myself out of the game? Pull away so much so that I am not even a player? Is this the only way to protect what is already been so broken over the years? It's a hard call to make. I am a girl that wants nothing more than someone to crawl into bed with every single night, but in trying to find that I have been beaten up. Pulling out of the game might be better then taking another hit to the gut before sliding into home plate.