Break ups are hard. Very hard. Especially when sometimes you are not even sure why you broke up or if you made the right choice. You spend months sharing details of your life and your time with someone and then suddenly its over. Who do you call when you suddenly find yourself in your own personal Hell of eating lunch surrounded by birds and you need saving? You want someone to both comfort you in your moment of trauma and someone to laugh at you because really, it is completly irrational and you want them to make you feel better. Up until only days before this experience, you had this person. Now who do you call? If you are me, you decide that you are almost 30, mature, and can be adult about this so you make the call anyway. It makes you feel worse.
Have you heard of the 3 month rule? A married friend of mine told me about it. He said that when he got to be in his late 20's he instituted the 3 month rule. If after 3 months you do not seriously see marriage potential with the person you are dating then you have to cut them loose. After all, we aren't getting any younger, right? I thought about this a long time and thought it was harsh because what if you just don't know. I mean, I am divorced, I don't know if I want that again, is 3 months enough time to make a call like that, what if I cut someone loose too soon, what if I am having a good time and really like someone, what if they really like me, what if I just don't know, what if, what if, what if.......? How can you end something just because you aren't sure of what the future holds?
Enter my life......my recent breakup. I care more about this person than I think he will ever understand or ever believe. What hurts the most is that I know he will never see this either because he has cut me out in a way that it seems like I almost never existed. Truth is, I don't think anyone really reads this, but it is a way for me to say what I have to say. I questioned the decision to end this relationship more than I can explain, and I probably would never even have done so if things had not been brought up to me. I would have gone on being happy spending time together because the enjoyment of his company made me smile so very much. But in the end, that would not have been fair. As it turns out I felt that he was not getting what he needed from someone he cared about and due to circumstances beyone my control because of timing and situation, I cannot give him what he needs. I saw no other way, and it breaks my heart. It hurts because I know he is hurting and I worry, and it hurts because I didn't want our time to be over. I just didn't want to spend the forseeable future having the same argument about timing and situation when there was nothing we could do to change those things. He might have been willing to settle for what he could have now....actually, I am pretty sure that he was. I wanted to say, lets work it out then, lets just struggle through this and see if it gets better, but I could not find it within myself to do that to him. Who wants to be with someone knowing that in their heart they want more and need more. I care deeply about this person, but at the end of the day I am not enough. What I have to give at this point in time is not enough. I wish with all my heart that it was.....I want my goodnight call, I want to be enough. Frankly, I'm tired of not being enough, but timing is a lot in relationships and I think, for both of us, the timing is not right on this one.
So, while I wish the best and continue to worry and pray that God will watch where my eyes can no longer see I can only hope that under his pain he hopes the best for me too. There were very hurtful messages sent while I was trying to be mature and sincere and I understand that pain makes us do and say things we would normally never do, so I will not hold grudges (its not my style) and I hope that if this message ever finds its way to him he knows that I am a friend and always here to help. And really, I do care more than I am sure he knows.........
No comments:
Post a Comment