Why yes creepy man at the gas station, I do infact want you to invade my personal space

I live in Cleveland.

It's the end of October.

It's cold here.

And by cold, I mean I had to thaw out my car for a few minutes before I could pull out of my driveway this morning, and then I drove into work with my scarf wrapped around me.

Should I have stopped to get gas last night when it was 30 degrees warmer, there was some light out, and I was completely awake...yes, but, well, you know how that goes....shoulda, coulda, woulda....didn't.

I instead opted to stop this morning, in the dark, half asleep (still grumpy from being awake all night....whole other story, haha), and in the 33 degree Cleveland weather. Good choice Jenna, good choice.

The two people who might legitimately think it was a good choice are the random men who decided that I looked cold and in need of a hug to warm up.

Really??? Yes people, this did happen. One on my way in to the store reached out for me and I kind of stepped away. The other, I was not so lucky.

I was standing in line, shivering a little, Red Bull in hand (breakfast of champions). My eyes were half shut so I was not completely sure what was happening, and before I knew it I heard, "Oh my, you look cold" and there were arms wrapped around me. It was awkward, and slightly intimidating. This is me we are talking about though, so of course, I just smiled in the nicest way I could (tried not to be rude) and said "Well, it's pretty chilly outside, but I'm good." In my head thinking....hey creepy stranger, back off, I may be small, but I'm like a ninja and I will cut you!

Ok, maybe my thoughts weren't that extreme, he might have been very nice. And, to be honest, in his defense, I have previously stated that running gives me a nice ass and I am wearing good butt jeans today, maybe he just wanted to cop a feal....but really, don't hug people you don't know in the gas station at 7am before they have had caffeine!!!!!

Who you gonna call....GHOSTBUSTERS!

Yep, that's right. It's official. I'm being haunted.

Have you ever seen "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"? Probably not, it wasn't very good despite having Jennifer Garner and Matthew McConaug-HEY. Don't get me wrong, I love me some serious chick flick even when they aren't great, and Emma Stone made a fantastic showing in her rising career....but I'm getting off topic (ADD, I know).

Back to me being haunted. My ghosts are of my dating past. From the insignificant, to the mildly hurtful, to the completely heartbreaking, my ghosts have decided to all re-appear within 24 hours of each other. I will take the blame for only one....of course it is the gut wrenching scariest ghost of all that is my fault.

But really, it is like men have a 6th sense that lets them know when maybe, just maybe I might for 24 hours be handling life on my own and think I can do it without anyone and then they all swarm in and remind me how much at one point I wanted them in my life. So, what do I do to ease the scary moment, to get past the fear of the ghosts lingering in every corner of my brain.....drugs. No, not literally, I am not a crazy person, but I have my drug of choice. It's warm, and cozy, and soft, and it fills me up when I need it. My drug rarely touches my lips like candy, but it still makes my heart race like sugar in my blood. Does it make me crash and burn in withdrawal, yep. But I got my high. I had temporary relief from my ghosts. I wish my drug was more, I've tried, but at this point I will take what I can get because I'm not willing to give it up. I'm too haunted to let go, and see too much good to not want more.

Halloween might be right around the corner, but this girl is going to try and have her ghosts killed by then.

Sleep Deprived

It appears as though the more sleep I need the less I am getting. For reasons I am somewhat aware of, and somewhat not admitting to myself I am not sleeping. What am I choosing to do this time....run. Yep. I am not going to mope (well, ok, I probably am, but whatever, don't judge), I am going to run until I am where I need to be. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.....keep running until I get there. Whew, I am gonna love my ass at the end of this (hehe, running gives me a nice butt).

Baby I'm Amazed by You

And not in the good Lonestar is totally singing about you kinda way.

I have decided that men amaze me. Sometimes in a good way, most often not. Yes, I am becoming very bitter. I hate that, I never thought I would be one of those people, but taking into account only the events of the last week....I deserve to be.

People who have seemingly been very interested have left me stranded not once, but twice. Ok, I know what you are saying, I let it happen to me twice, but people, it was two different situations, two different people, one outcome. Very strange.

And then of course, my constant and ever present one I am drawn to....the ultimate couple of highs, and consistant following low. This one I take the blame for. I let this happen, but the lows aren't as bad anymore because I expect them. I know I will be let down, I accept it. I still go back, its like a drug, I still want more. (And no, I have never done drugs, but like Keisha sings, its what I imagine its like.)

So, I close this week being utterly confused and really, completly ready to step out of the game for a while (except for my drug, haha, that I know I won't give up, I've tried, it doesn't work).

I'm out, and not gonna be yelling "Put me in coach!" anytime soon.

Sometimes you just need a good movie quote

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ...ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

Optimism can break your heart

I recently finished reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" for the 2nd time. The first time I read it I had just separated my from then husband. I didn't remember much about the book other then it spoke to me in such a way that I knew I had to read it again. When I opened it up there were lines highlighted, parts underlined, things I obviously wanted myself to remember. It is amazing how these things still speak to me.

One part inparticular is such a part of who I am that I don't know if I can ever change it no matter how hard I try. In much better wording then I can ever communicate Elizabeth Gilbert talks about letting her optimism get in the way of her relationships. She, like me sees the very best in everyone. It's not that I am trying to change someone into something else, because I would NEVER want anyone to be anything other than exactly who they are, its just that I see what they already have in them and I try to bring out another side maybe they are afraid to express. I think sometimes (maybe even from knowing myself that I need someone who is willing to help me) that we need someone who will help us be who we are afraid to try and become. I never want to change someone, just help them be what they already are. I guess what I have failed to realize though is that they also have to be a willing participant.

Thats where I struggle. I am always optomistic. When I see someone who looks at me, and acts as though they want to be with me I assume they do. When I see so much inside a person, maybe more then they know exists, or more then they are willing at the time to admit is there, I get so hopeful---so hopeful infact that I am willing to be treated like crap and kicked around just for the few moments where I feel like the only woman that exists in the world. The problem with this is....those moments are few and far between and there comes a time where you have to make a choice. Do I want more, or I am ok with the status quo. Me being Miss Optomistic always assumes in asking for more I am going to get it. Why, when I feel the way I do, would I not get what I want? You would think by now I would realize that is not the way it works.

Why then do I continue to try? Why then do I continue to be optomistic? Why then do I continue to put myself out there? To be held? To be smiled at? To be wrapped up? To be called on? To be pulled back in? To be toyed with? To be played? To be hurt? To be broken? Why as women do we do it to ourselves?

I don't know how to stop being optomistic. I don't know how to stop seeing the best in people. I don't know how to not read into looks, touches, words, messages, and moments. Is my only option to take myself out of the game? Pull away so much so that I am not even a player? Is this the only way to protect what is already been so broken over the years? It's a hard call to make. I am a girl that wants nothing more than someone to crawl into bed with every single night, but in trying to find that I have been beaten up. Pulling out of the game might be better then taking another hit to the gut before sliding into home plate.

Repost of an Old Story

I originally posted this last year; however, as I have now just passed my two year anniversary of working with my dad I find it necessary to relive this memory as it makes me laugh every time I think about it =)

July 3rd, 2008
AKA: DAY 3 OF WORKING WITH MY FATHER.

To start, let me say that at this time I was 27 years old. Mature. Living on my own (married, yes, but had been separated for almost 3 years….a story for another day). College educated. Mature. I had been working in sales for 4 years. I was ready to take on the new task of stepping into a position at my dads company with the vision of learning manufacturing and eventually using my sales knowledge to go out into the world and expand his business. I was thrilled. I was excited. I was going to conquer the world my dad needed me to. Did I mention I was mature?

Ok, yes, I was frightened, but that’s not what this is about….this is about the first 3 days. I had just left the housing market, which we all know was doing so fantastically! So, needless to say, I had a lot of time on my hands before. I was now going to be in an office for the first time in my life and learning from my dad. Still, I walked in knowing I was going to be amazing. I mean, after all, I was the boss’s daughter and confidence is half the battle, right? So, I went in at 8am (after an hour drive and 2 cans of Red Bull) ready to kick ass. From there it becomes a blur. There were phones ringing, calls to transfer, computer systems to learn, accounting? whats accounting?, payroll systems, employee paperwork, invoicing, and lions and tigers and bears OH MY! I was replacing a woman who had been with my dad for almost 10 years. She knew what she was doing. Being the “boss’s daughter” I felt like I had to make a good impression and learn everything right away, so I worked my tail off those first days trying to quickly learn everything this woman had done for 10 years. I literally (sorry Michelle and Amanda if you are reading this, literally has to be said here, LOL) felt like a chicken with its head cut off running around the office. I wanted it to seem like I could manage it all with no problems. Answering this call, copying this order, learning this program, entering this PO, calling this truck….did I pee yet today?

So, it finally got to be about 4:45 on day 3, which lucky for me was also the day before a Holiday and I had a 3 day weekend coming up. OMG, I can pee whenever I want, without asking my dad if I can take a break from learning what a t-bar thingy is! (BTW, it's some accounting thing that I can draw, but does it make sense to this day…only kind of, shhhh, don’t tell my dad). I had just finished doing a task and I was supposed to go tell my dad when I was done. I had to go potty real bad and I was starving, but I figured, go tell dad you’re finished, it’s 4:45, he probably just going to tell you to take it easy for the last few minutes of the day then you can use the restroom, grab a Twix bar and catch up on People.com (I am sure so much has happened in the 3 days I have been out of the loop!). So, I walk into my dad’s office, announce that I am finished, and smile when I see him look at his watch to realize that it is 4:45. No time to do anything else. WRONG. He promptly jumps up and says, “Great, lets quickly learn one more thing for the day!”

WHAT! Are you nuts!? Do you not see the glossy look in my eyes that says I cannot possibly hold any more information!? Do you not see my tummy looking full because I haven’t peed all day because there has been no time!? Do you know that I might fall asleep right now because the last time I had to wake up at 6AM to go anywhere was high school!? DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I WANT A TWIX BAR!? DADDY, GO GET ME A TWIX BAR!!!!!!!!

Those were the calm, rational, mature thoughts (I mentioned I was mature, right?) running through my head at that moment. Your internal monologue screaming “Daddy get me a Twix bar!” is definitely a sign of maturity =)

What did I do? I smiled, and said “Great, let’s go!” Then a week later I told my dad the story when I was out to dinner with him and my mom and he simply looked at me, patted me on the back, and said “Welcome to the real world hun, it sucks.”

The moral of this story is, there are times you have to suck it up and hope that your internal monologue is working and you don’t vocalize what you are thinking. But, there are also times where we have all wanted to look at our bosses, no matter who they may be, and just simply yell “SHUT UP AND GET ME A TWIX!”