I recently finished reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" for the 2nd time. The first time I read it I had just separated my from then husband. I didn't remember much about the book other then it spoke to me in such a way that I knew I had to read it again. When I opened it up there were lines highlighted, parts underlined, things I obviously wanted myself to remember. It is amazing how these things still speak to me.
One part inparticular is such a part of who I am that I don't know if I can ever change it no matter how hard I try. In much better wording then I can ever communicate Elizabeth Gilbert talks about letting her optimism get in the way of her relationships. She, like me sees the very best in everyone. It's not that I am trying to change someone into something else, because I would NEVER want anyone to be anything other than exactly who they are, its just that I see what they already have in them and I try to bring out another side maybe they are afraid to express. I think sometimes (maybe even from knowing myself that I need someone who is willing to help me) that we need someone who will help us be who we are afraid to try and become. I never want to change someone, just help them be what they already are. I guess what I have failed to realize though is that they also have to be a willing participant.
Thats where I struggle. I am always optomistic. When I see someone who looks at me, and acts as though they want to be with me I assume they do. When I see so much inside a person, maybe more then they know exists, or more then they are willing at the time to admit is there, I get so hopeful---so hopeful infact that I am willing to be treated like crap and kicked around just for the few moments where I feel like the only woman that exists in the world. The problem with this is....those moments are few and far between and there comes a time where you have to make a choice. Do I want more, or I am ok with the status quo. Me being Miss Optomistic always assumes in asking for more I am going to get it. Why, when I feel the way I do, would I not get what I want? You would think by now I would realize that is not the way it works.
Why then do I continue to try? Why then do I continue to be optomistic? Why then do I continue to put myself out there? To be held? To be smiled at? To be wrapped up? To be called on? To be pulled back in? To be toyed with? To be played? To be hurt? To be broken? Why as women do we do it to ourselves?
I don't know how to stop being optomistic. I don't know how to stop seeing the best in people. I don't know how to not read into looks, touches, words, messages, and moments. Is my only option to take myself out of the game? Pull away so much so that I am not even a player? Is this the only way to protect what is already been so broken over the years? It's a hard call to make. I am a girl that wants nothing more than someone to crawl into bed with every single night, but in trying to find that I have been beaten up. Pulling out of the game might be better then taking another hit to the gut before sliding into home plate.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Repost of an Old Story
I originally posted this last year; however, as I have now just passed my two year anniversary of working with my dad I find it necessary to relive this memory as it makes me laugh every time I think about it =)
July 3rd, 2008
AKA: DAY 3 OF WORKING WITH MY FATHER.
To start, let me say that at this time I was 27 years old. Mature. Living on my own (married, yes, but had been separated for almost 3 years….a story for another day). College educated. Mature. I had been working in sales for 4 years. I was ready to take on the new task of stepping into a position at my dads company with the vision of learning manufacturing and eventually using my sales knowledge to go out into the world and expand his business. I was thrilled. I was excited. I was going to conquer the world my dad needed me to. Did I mention I was mature?
Ok, yes, I was frightened, but that’s not what this is about….this is about the first 3 days. I had just left the housing market, which we all know was doing so fantastically! So, needless to say, I had a lot of time on my hands before. I was now going to be in an office for the first time in my life and learning from my dad. Still, I walked in knowing I was going to be amazing. I mean, after all, I was the boss’s daughter and confidence is half the battle, right? So, I went in at 8am (after an hour drive and 2 cans of Red Bull) ready to kick ass. From there it becomes a blur. There were phones ringing, calls to transfer, computer systems to learn, accounting? whats accounting?, payroll systems, employee paperwork, invoicing, and lions and tigers and bears OH MY! I was replacing a woman who had been with my dad for almost 10 years. She knew what she was doing. Being the “boss’s daughter” I felt like I had to make a good impression and learn everything right away, so I worked my tail off those first days trying to quickly learn everything this woman had done for 10 years. I literally (sorry Michelle and Amanda if you are reading this, literally has to be said here, LOL) felt like a chicken with its head cut off running around the office. I wanted it to seem like I could manage it all with no problems. Answering this call, copying this order, learning this program, entering this PO, calling this truck….did I pee yet today?
So, it finally got to be about 4:45 on day 3, which lucky for me was also the day before a Holiday and I had a 3 day weekend coming up. OMG, I can pee whenever I want, without asking my dad if I can take a break from learning what a t-bar thingy is! (BTW, it's some accounting thing that I can draw, but does it make sense to this day…only kind of, shhhh, don’t tell my dad). I had just finished doing a task and I was supposed to go tell my dad when I was done. I had to go potty real bad and I was starving, but I figured, go tell dad you’re finished, it’s 4:45, he probably just going to tell you to take it easy for the last few minutes of the day then you can use the restroom, grab a Twix bar and catch up on People.com (I am sure so much has happened in the 3 days I have been out of the loop!). So, I walk into my dad’s office, announce that I am finished, and smile when I see him look at his watch to realize that it is 4:45. No time to do anything else. WRONG. He promptly jumps up and says, “Great, lets quickly learn one more thing for the day!”
WHAT! Are you nuts!? Do you not see the glossy look in my eyes that says I cannot possibly hold any more information!? Do you not see my tummy looking full because I haven’t peed all day because there has been no time!? Do you know that I might fall asleep right now because the last time I had to wake up at 6AM to go anywhere was high school!? DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I WANT A TWIX BAR!? DADDY, GO GET ME A TWIX BAR!!!!!!!!
Those were the calm, rational, mature thoughts (I mentioned I was mature, right?) running through my head at that moment. Your internal monologue screaming “Daddy get me a Twix bar!” is definitely a sign of maturity =)
What did I do? I smiled, and said “Great, let’s go!” Then a week later I told my dad the story when I was out to dinner with him and my mom and he simply looked at me, patted me on the back, and said “Welcome to the real world hun, it sucks.”
The moral of this story is, there are times you have to suck it up and hope that your internal monologue is working and you don’t vocalize what you are thinking. But, there are also times where we have all wanted to look at our bosses, no matter who they may be, and just simply yell “SHUT UP AND GET ME A TWIX!”
July 3rd, 2008
AKA: DAY 3 OF WORKING WITH MY FATHER.
To start, let me say that at this time I was 27 years old. Mature. Living on my own (married, yes, but had been separated for almost 3 years….a story for another day). College educated. Mature. I had been working in sales for 4 years. I was ready to take on the new task of stepping into a position at my dads company with the vision of learning manufacturing and eventually using my sales knowledge to go out into the world and expand his business. I was thrilled. I was excited. I was going to conquer the world my dad needed me to. Did I mention I was mature?
Ok, yes, I was frightened, but that’s not what this is about….this is about the first 3 days. I had just left the housing market, which we all know was doing so fantastically! So, needless to say, I had a lot of time on my hands before. I was now going to be in an office for the first time in my life and learning from my dad. Still, I walked in knowing I was going to be amazing. I mean, after all, I was the boss’s daughter and confidence is half the battle, right? So, I went in at 8am (after an hour drive and 2 cans of Red Bull) ready to kick ass. From there it becomes a blur. There were phones ringing, calls to transfer, computer systems to learn, accounting? whats accounting?, payroll systems, employee paperwork, invoicing, and lions and tigers and bears OH MY! I was replacing a woman who had been with my dad for almost 10 years. She knew what she was doing. Being the “boss’s daughter” I felt like I had to make a good impression and learn everything right away, so I worked my tail off those first days trying to quickly learn everything this woman had done for 10 years. I literally (sorry Michelle and Amanda if you are reading this, literally has to be said here, LOL) felt like a chicken with its head cut off running around the office. I wanted it to seem like I could manage it all with no problems. Answering this call, copying this order, learning this program, entering this PO, calling this truck….did I pee yet today?
So, it finally got to be about 4:45 on day 3, which lucky for me was also the day before a Holiday and I had a 3 day weekend coming up. OMG, I can pee whenever I want, without asking my dad if I can take a break from learning what a t-bar thingy is! (BTW, it's some accounting thing that I can draw, but does it make sense to this day…only kind of, shhhh, don’t tell my dad). I had just finished doing a task and I was supposed to go tell my dad when I was done. I had to go potty real bad and I was starving, but I figured, go tell dad you’re finished, it’s 4:45, he probably just going to tell you to take it easy for the last few minutes of the day then you can use the restroom, grab a Twix bar and catch up on People.com (I am sure so much has happened in the 3 days I have been out of the loop!). So, I walk into my dad’s office, announce that I am finished, and smile when I see him look at his watch to realize that it is 4:45. No time to do anything else. WRONG. He promptly jumps up and says, “Great, lets quickly learn one more thing for the day!”
WHAT! Are you nuts!? Do you not see the glossy look in my eyes that says I cannot possibly hold any more information!? Do you not see my tummy looking full because I haven’t peed all day because there has been no time!? Do you know that I might fall asleep right now because the last time I had to wake up at 6AM to go anywhere was high school!? DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I WANT A TWIX BAR!? DADDY, GO GET ME A TWIX BAR!!!!!!!!
Those were the calm, rational, mature thoughts (I mentioned I was mature, right?) running through my head at that moment. Your internal monologue screaming “Daddy get me a Twix bar!” is definitely a sign of maturity =)
What did I do? I smiled, and said “Great, let’s go!” Then a week later I told my dad the story when I was out to dinner with him and my mom and he simply looked at me, patted me on the back, and said “Welcome to the real world hun, it sucks.”
The moral of this story is, there are times you have to suck it up and hope that your internal monologue is working and you don’t vocalize what you are thinking. But, there are also times where we have all wanted to look at our bosses, no matter who they may be, and just simply yell “SHUT UP AND GET ME A TWIX!”
Monday, August 23, 2010
Things to not say to a girl on your first date
1) Do you know how many calories are in that?
2) That is something you do when you are "your age", I'm a little too old for that. (ie, if the few years apart that you are was a big deal, why did you ask me out to begin with???)
3) There are too many carbs in that, I won't eat those kinds of things (while judging how much you love Chipotle Burritos).
4) I'm too old to really go out, so right now what I do in my spare time is date. Last week I had 5 dates with 5 different women. I was supposed to have a 6th, but I really liked the 5th so I didn't go to the last one. I texted her and said "So, I guess if you still want to go out tonight, we can???" I think she got the tone of the message and she never wrote back.
5) Did I mention the question was asked "Do you know how many calories are in that?"
6) Am I rushing you, or are we done here? (oh buddy, trust me, we are done here)
2) That is something you do when you are "your age", I'm a little too old for that. (ie, if the few years apart that you are was a big deal, why did you ask me out to begin with???)
3) There are too many carbs in that, I won't eat those kinds of things (while judging how much you love Chipotle Burritos).
4) I'm too old to really go out, so right now what I do in my spare time is date. Last week I had 5 dates with 5 different women. I was supposed to have a 6th, but I really liked the 5th so I didn't go to the last one. I texted her and said "So, I guess if you still want to go out tonight, we can???" I think she got the tone of the message and she never wrote back.
5) Did I mention the question was asked "Do you know how many calories are in that?"
6) Am I rushing you, or are we done here? (oh buddy, trust me, we are done here)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Hello...does this thing work?
You know that thing every woman should be born with? That little thing called women's intuition. I think mine is broken. Or maybe I never had it. Or maybe that one party I threw in college I drank too much and I puked it out---graphic, sorry, but it was a good party (side note, I vaguely remember giving out lap dances in the corner at that party, wow, not a proud moment for Jenna).
Ok, back on track, my womenly intuition. I don't know where it went, but whatever happened, I don't think I have it. Don't get me wrong, I get those "gut feelings" but I am generally wrong. I find my gut feelings to usually be more associated with paranoia and craziness then intuition.
I have recently been trying to listen to "myself" about certain situations and get a good read on where I think I might be at. When I get done evaluating all I end up with is "Shit, I dunno!"
So, what this is all about......since my intuition is broke, if anyone has a working crystal ball, or a physic that they can loan out to me, I am in need.
Thank you!
Ok, back on track, my womenly intuition. I don't know where it went, but whatever happened, I don't think I have it. Don't get me wrong, I get those "gut feelings" but I am generally wrong. I find my gut feelings to usually be more associated with paranoia and craziness then intuition.
I have recently been trying to listen to "myself" about certain situations and get a good read on where I think I might be at. When I get done evaluating all I end up with is "Shit, I dunno!"
So, what this is all about......since my intuition is broke, if anyone has a working crystal ball, or a physic that they can loan out to me, I am in need.
Thank you!
Monday, August 16, 2010
The voices in my head
**Yay! It's furniture shopping day!!!**
OMG, do you realize that you have never actually BOUGHT new furniture???
**This is going to be so exciting!**
Deep breaths, take soothing deep breaths, it will be ok.
**Quick, get dressed, all the pretty new stuff is just waiting for you to buy it!!!**
Wait, buy it? I have to spend all the $$$ I have been saving for the last year? What about future bills, and possible car wrecks or emergencies, what do I do? I don't want to spend all my $. When I didn't have any I spent it all the time, now that I have $$ I don't want to spend it. Wait, that's weird? Shouldn't I spend $$ only when I have it? Wow, that seems backwards now that I think about it. Maybe I am just greedy and now that I actually have some cash I want to hoard it. OMG, now I am a hoarder! They are going to put me on one of those TV shows on TLC??? Oh God, I can't take it!
**No, stop thinking, go shop! You have worked for this! You have saved for this! You deserve this! GO SPEND $$$!!!!**
(I drive to the store, pick out wonderful couches and tables and a buffett for my kitchen. I LOVE everything so much it makes me almost jump up and down in the store)
**Girl, you rock! Buy it all! Go for it!**
Maybe you should......
**Shhh, shut up, you get no voice anymore, I win! Buy it, own it! Have people over and party with all your new stuff!**
(So, a couple thousand dollars later it is decided I will be having a party soon when I move out to celebrate me taking charge of my life and owning not only new stuff, but a new attitude to go with it!)
OMG, do you realize that you have never actually BOUGHT new furniture???
**This is going to be so exciting!**
Deep breaths, take soothing deep breaths, it will be ok.
**Quick, get dressed, all the pretty new stuff is just waiting for you to buy it!!!**
Wait, buy it? I have to spend all the $$$ I have been saving for the last year? What about future bills, and possible car wrecks or emergencies, what do I do? I don't want to spend all my $. When I didn't have any I spent it all the time, now that I have $$ I don't want to spend it. Wait, that's weird? Shouldn't I spend $$ only when I have it? Wow, that seems backwards now that I think about it. Maybe I am just greedy and now that I actually have some cash I want to hoard it. OMG, now I am a hoarder! They are going to put me on one of those TV shows on TLC??? Oh God, I can't take it!
**No, stop thinking, go shop! You have worked for this! You have saved for this! You deserve this! GO SPEND $$$!!!!**
(I drive to the store, pick out wonderful couches and tables and a buffett for my kitchen. I LOVE everything so much it makes me almost jump up and down in the store)
**Girl, you rock! Buy it all! Go for it!**
Maybe you should......
**Shhh, shut up, you get no voice anymore, I win! Buy it, own it! Have people over and party with all your new stuff!**
(So, a couple thousand dollars later it is decided I will be having a party soon when I move out to celebrate me taking charge of my life and owning not only new stuff, but a new attitude to go with it!)
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