Learning to float

I have been swimming once before. I almost drowned. For years the water filled up my lungs and I was barely breathing. Each breath got harder and harder to take and each step felt heavier because I was beginning to fill up with water. I didn't feel as if there was a way out. Those around me saw me sinking, but no one could pull me out because I was letting it happen. I wanted to be in the pool of love so badly that even though I knew I would drown before I got in I dove anyway. Head first. I got knocked out when I hit the bottom and I never came back up.

Four years later I was pulled out, and I vowed never to swim again. This is a weird thing. You give your life to someone, infront of God and family, you vow to remain with them forever, and here I was promising myself I was never going to do that to myself again.

I have spent two years pushing away every man who has tried to get close to me. Maybe they weren't right, maybe it was me, whatever the reason, I haven't attempted to get close to the water. It terrifies me. I think about it and I shut off.

Today, I find myself in a new place for the first time. I think this place scares me even more. I find myself wanting to swim. I don't know what to do with this new realization that I am willing to try to get wet again. I find myself being willing to want to be with someone, wanting to have someone in my arms at night, and there when I wake up in the morning. That scares me, because I have not been willing to want. When you want, you get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to be let down, I don't want the weight of drowning to pull me under. For the first time in a long time I have hope that there may be someone out there. Michael Buble says, "I just haven't met you yet" I am willing to believe that it hasn't gone right for me because I haven't found the right one yet, but that when I do they will help me walk into the water carefully and to help me learn how to float......