Lady Gaga stole my look

Crazy B***h totally stole my look. I mean not the whole "dress like a complete freak and wear creepy hair bows thing," but the "never wear any pants" thing.....thats TOTALLY mine. Anyone who knows me knows I am the queen of walking around in my underwear. If I never had to put pants on again in my life I think I would be ok with it. Ok, sometimes a kick butt pair of jeans makes you feel all sexy and what not, and lets be honest, I guess you like to leave a little up to the imagination on a first date. But really, ya, I hate pants.

When I was in college I lived in a co-ed dorm and the guys that lived next door to us got in the habit of saying "Does Jenna have pants on?" before they came in. Ya, they knew.

When I get home, I can't wait to take my pants off. I will sit there in my underwear all night. Ok, now I live at home (I know, loser), so for my dad's sake I do put shorts on (your welcome), but when I am alone.....no pants. I sleep in my underwear, I clean in my underwear, I mean pants are pointless. And then here come Lady Gaga, all crazy and weird and she makes it a fashion statement when I have been rockin that look hard core for years.

Bitch.

13.1 miles to victory

12 weeks and 13.1 miles.

I am very intimidated.

I am not a runner to say the least. I never have been. I was a gymanst for many years and even then I never felt I had the endurance I should have. I always wished I could be one of those people that could just pick up and run....didn't have to go to the gym to get on a piece of equipment to work out, but could just thrown on some shoes and go. I had this vision of it being cathardic. Stress relieving. Then I got it in my head that I wanted to run a half marathon and I started "pre-training"......ITS BORING! I am not sure if at 29 I have suddenly developed ADD or what, but I get sidetracked after about 15 minutes of jogging and am only able to push myself for about another 5 (which in my slow body is just about 1.5 miles....ya, I am very slow). It could be that I am in Ohio (Cleveland to be exact...yes, just voted most miserable city in the country) and it is February and cold and snowy and I am forced to run on a treadmill therefore I can't stop looking at the clock. Maybe it would be better outside, I don't know. We will have to wait and see. But yes, I get very bored.

So let me just say why I am doing this. Last year (Jan-April 2009) I lost about 25 lbs. Yay me =) It felt good and to be honest it came off pretty easy. I had spent 5 years being lazy and when I decided to take life "by the balls" and workout again my body reacted quite nicely. I knew at that point I had more to go, but I wanted to see how easy it would be to keep it off and not gain anything back. Turns out, a year later I haven't worked that hard at keeping it off, just changed some eating habits, work out moderatly, and I have managed to not only not gain anything back but lose about 5 more. Now, I still have about 20 more to lose to be ideally where I want to be. I am short, small framed, I shouldn't be nearly as big as I still am. Anyway, I know the last 20 are hard and I assumed that I would have to do something a lot harder to get it off then what I had last year. So the idea of finally trying to run a half-marathon came to me. What better time than now. So, in October I started jogging to get my body used to it....ya, it didn't like it so much. I took the Holiday's off, not really by choice, but I had no time. January I traveled a lot and then Feb. 1st came and I started jogging again. This time it was not so bad and I found that I could jog for 20 min and not get soar or winded....just bored.

Today starts the "official" 12 week training program for the race. May 16th, Cleveland Half-Marathon. I am totally intimidated. I know that if I can't do it I can always end up running the 5k or 10k (neither of which I have done before either), but I really want this, and I am stubborn. So, I might try and keep some sort of log on here, I may need some motivation (if anyone stumbles on this and wants to give me some), but most of all, I need to do this for me. I need to prove that after all I have been through and done that I can still put my mind to something and succeed. Running may seem like a small accomplishment, but it is a metaphor for success to me at this point....I can do it, and I will.

Social Networking.....am I really better off?

Hi.

I'm Jenna.

I'm addicted to FB.

Whew, I feel better. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? It all started just about a year and a half ago when a good long time friend of mine gave birth to her first baby. At the time I was on MySpace frequently (which has since turned into a whore site, so I am glad I made the change, lol), but was never really into FB (and yes, I am so addicted that I can use the shortened "letter only" terminology for it, I am that cool). Anywho, this friend was on FB, a new mother, and as you can imagine VERY busy. She politely told me that the nighttime was off limit for phone calls as that was now considered family time (totally understandable), and that if I wanted to talk to her and KIT for the time being until life got settled, FB was my option. So I converted. Very reluctantly at first, then I became totally immersed in the culture of the updates, the picture sharing, the commenting, the total knowledge of what was going on with people. I could KIT with those I loved dearly that due to new life changes I was not getting to see, and those that I had not seen in years that I wish I had never lost touch with. HOW AMAZING IS THIS THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And lucky me, I even scored a few dates out of this. Yes, I managed to turn FB into E-Harmony. That went well. (do you sense the sarcasm?)

Now, almost 2 years later I am finding myself in a precarious situation. I have had my ups and downs with FB. I love the ability to keep in touch and share experiences and motivate and make people smile (and have people help me smile when I need it); however, I have recently come to despise the fact that you can discover that people lie. I will give people the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe they don't mean to. It's what I do, I am a pleaser and I like to see people happy. I also can't fathom lying to those I love. Maybe as a kid/teenager I did, but I have grown up, I have matured, I have changed....I guess I assumed we all had. Regardless if they mean to or not, their lies hurt, and if they say one thing and then put another out there in Internet world it will be discovered and it is hurtful. Some things I have seen are minuscule and alone are not that bad, but they open the door to more serious issues and pain that hurts me very deeply.

So, social networking. Are we really better off? The constant need to share what we are doing, to know what others are doing at every moment even if it hurts. Is it worth it?

Hi.

I'm Jenna.

I'm addicted to FB.

I wanna be a Toys R Us kid.....

When I was 5 I was convinced that I would be a bus driver. I mean, what kid doesn't look forward to getting on the big yellow transportationmobile and heading off to school with all the "big kids"? So, in my little mind, driving it would be even better! Ya, that dream faded quickly when I realized how gross school busses were.

I matured at 6 and was sure I would be an Olympic gymnast by the time I was 15. I mean, I was in the rainbow program and headed onto the competitive team. Duh, the Olympics is next! Sadly, the American's won the 1996 Olympic Gold without me. I could just have easily done that vault on one like like Kerri Strug....psshh, bitch please, any level 9 gymnast can handle that. Haha

Somewhere around 1990 my sister and I got involved in community theatre. You know what came next? Star Search! It was coming to Cleveland! OMG, we TOTALLY had to go. We were obsessed with the show and of course we would win and a sister type act....hello, we are adorable and loveable, and well, we are awesome! But no, do you know what we had to do that day? Write a paper. Ya, we had homework, and having an English teacher for a mother means no skipping homework to go become famous. I bet Britney's mom didn't make her do her homework (ok, she turned out to be a trainwreck, but we would have been solid and stable with good morals and only slighty slutty to sell our records). We are talking like Hillary and Halie Duff, but WAY better.

By the time I got to college I was sure of my passion. Pharmacy. I loved it. I studied it for 3 years in college and was sure I wanted nothing more than to continue on to the 8 year Doctorine program at OSU. By year 4 I had fallen in love and decided I did not want to spend the first few years of married life in school so on the brink of assuming I would get engaged I changed my major and got a degree in Sociology. Well, we all know how well that whole marriage thing worked out for me (See: "What a day, what a day, what a silly little day").

So, what do I wanna be when I grow up. Wait, Holy Shit! I am gonna be 30 this year!?!?!?!? It's not when I grow up....I am grown up! Oh my goodness, when the #$%#$#$ did that happen!!!! Bus driver---Hell no! Olympic gymnast---HAHAHAHAHAHA! Famous musician/dancer/actress/total kick butt "triple threat"---still in my dreams Pharmacist---way too late for that! WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't wanna grow up, I wanna be a Toys R Us kid!

It happens....

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to overthink it
Just let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
And we try so hard to understand it
The irrefutable, indisputable fact is
Pshhhh, it happens....

-Sugarland

The Power of 3

Ahhhhh, Disney World.

Where magic happens and dreams come true. Where couples, families, and friends get together to celebrate all the happy things in the world.

I had spent the day wandering around Epcot (alone) enjoying the....ummm...festivites (ie, beers) of the various countries around the world. (I was alone, where I went for my honeymoon, just days after a breakup.....don't judge my drinking! LOL). I carefully avoided the rides in fear of the "SINGLE RIDER" call and being forced to stand with the only other "single riders" in the park. You know the ones. We have all seen them and laughed a little first and then felt bad for it and told ourselves we are bad people and are going to Hell and we pity the rider a little bit then we laugh a little more. I mean really, who wears lime green tights (with a matching bow the size of something Lady Gaga would put in her head), with the Disney shirt they bought that day, a kick ass plastic visor (hehe), 4 yes count them 4 huge Disney princess necklaces, an Eor backpack, and their camera around their neck? Unless you are 4 that is......not 40, 500lbs, and smell like garlic (to keep away all the bad spirits at Disney???). So ya, I did not want to be a "SINGLE RIDER" and be thought of as one of those. Call me vain, go ahead, I'll allow it just this once =)

Then I passed Soarin. Which if you are not familiar is a ride that makes you feel like you are flying (or so I have heard, last time I was there...hmmm, for my honeymoon, grrr....it was not there yet). So, I was dying to ride it. After some pacing and much consideration I sucked it up and went in. It was an 80 minute wait. YAY! 80 minutes of everyone around me going "Who is she with? Do you think she is alone? Who comes alone? How sad. Poor girl. She's adorable (hehe) I wonder why no one is with her?" As soon as I got in line I was next to this older couple who immediatly reminded me of my Grandparents just from watching them. It made me smile. 5 minutes in, a group of Asian girls came barrelling through (pretending not to speak English...bitches) and cut infront of about 40 people. The normal me...feisty and a little pissy at times, would have said something. But....I was in the company of "my grandparents" so I kept to myself. Then the woman spoke her first words to me, "How rude!" Ahhh, and we talked the rest of the 75 minute wait. They were a great couple!

We got up to the front of the line and I was about to prepare to say good-bye because they were splitting people off when my Disney magic happened. The your kid asked the older gentleman how many were in his party and without even thinking he responded "There are 3 of us." 3? Did he say 3? As in, himself, his wife....and, OMG, he included me!!!!!!!!!!! No hesitation at all. "There are 3 of us." I smiled my biggest smile and thanked him so much for including me (holding back my tears because at that moment I felt so magical......cliche, but whatev, its Disney so deal with it!). He just smiled back and said "We enjoy your company, of course you are coming on with us."

Moral here.....sometimes the "Single Rider" just needs someone to reach out and say "There are 3 of us." It just might make their day =)

I love you, but I hope birds peck your eyes out

Break ups are hard. Very hard. Especially when sometimes you are not even sure why you broke up or if you made the right choice. You spend months sharing details of your life and your time with someone and then suddenly its over. Who do you call when you suddenly find yourself in your own personal Hell of eating lunch surrounded by birds and you need saving? You want someone to both comfort you in your moment of trauma and someone to laugh at you because really, it is completly irrational and you want them to make you feel better. Up until only days before this experience, you had this person. Now who do you call? If you are me, you decide that you are almost 30, mature, and can be adult about this so you make the call anyway. It makes you feel worse.

Have you heard of the 3 month rule? A married friend of mine told me about it. He said that when he got to be in his late 20's he instituted the 3 month rule. If after 3 months you do not seriously see marriage potential with the person you are dating then you have to cut them loose. After all, we aren't getting any younger, right? I thought about this a long time and thought it was harsh because what if you just don't know. I mean, I am divorced, I don't know if I want that again, is 3 months enough time to make a call like that, what if I cut someone loose too soon, what if I am having a good time and really like someone, what if they really like me, what if I just don't know, what if, what if, what if.......? How can you end something just because you aren't sure of what the future holds?

Enter my life......my recent breakup. I care more about this person than I think he will ever understand or ever believe. What hurts the most is that I know he will never see this either because he has cut me out in a way that it seems like I almost never existed. Truth is, I don't think anyone really reads this, but it is a way for me to say what I have to say. I questioned the decision to end this relationship more than I can explain, and I probably would never even have done so if things had not been brought up to me. I would have gone on being happy spending time together because the enjoyment of his company made me smile so very much. But in the end, that would not have been fair. As it turns out I felt that he was not getting what he needed from someone he cared about and due to circumstances beyone my control because of timing and situation, I cannot give him what he needs. I saw no other way, and it breaks my heart. It hurts because I know he is hurting and I worry, and it hurts because I didn't want our time to be over. I just didn't want to spend the forseeable future having the same argument about timing and situation when there was nothing we could do to change those things. He might have been willing to settle for what he could have now....actually, I am pretty sure that he was. I wanted to say, lets work it out then, lets just struggle through this and see if it gets better, but I could not find it within myself to do that to him. Who wants to be with someone knowing that in their heart they want more and need more. I care deeply about this person, but at the end of the day I am not enough. What I have to give at this point in time is not enough. I wish with all my heart that it was.....I want my goodnight call, I want to be enough. Frankly, I'm tired of not being enough, but timing is a lot in relationships and I think, for both of us, the timing is not right on this one.

So, while I wish the best and continue to worry and pray that God will watch where my eyes can no longer see I can only hope that under his pain he hopes the best for me too. There were very hurtful messages sent while I was trying to be mature and sincere and I understand that pain makes us do and say things we would normally never do, so I will not hold grudges (its not my style) and I hope that if this message ever finds its way to him he knows that I am a friend and always here to help. And really, I do care more than I am sure he knows.........