Being female basically sucks balls

AND, you are actually expected to suck balls! (Graphic, I know, sorry) But really, where is the fareness! For real!

I have decided that my life is a Taylor Swift song. Yes, I am almost 30 and I am relating to a teenager who can't sing. Anywho, she has this one catchy song about her friends all being jealous of this perfect boyfriend who does everything thing right and blah blah blah while all she can focus on is yelling and fighting in the rain with someone else.

So, ok, technically, I have neither one of these situations...technically; however, I COMPLETLY see her point. Perfect is fine, and maybe what I need, but I can't stop myself from going after the one who brings the drama.

This butterfly is currently flying with a broken wing.

Being the butterfly

I am a dreamer, a chaser, a girl who gets what she wants...or tries to anyway. I see something I like and I go after it. Life is to short to wait for it to come to me, why play games, why be subtle, if you want something, go get it.

This has been my philosophy. I see a pair of shoes I want, why wait for the sale when they might not have my size.....just get them now. Decide Iwant to run in a race.....don't stop training until I succeed. Find someone I am interested in, why play coy and wait for them to call me.....pick up the phone and ask them out. I have always been that girl, the one who just goes after it, what have I got to lose?

I have recently discovered that it may not be what I am losing, but what I am catching that is the problem. You see, I think I am catching bugs in my net. I am out there running after something beautiful and chasing the hope of finding love and happiness. At the end of the day I have caught lightening bugs. I am so busy not looking where I am going and being distracted by the bright lights these tricky lightening bugs emit, that I cannot help but to run after them. Only once I get close I realize they may be flashy, but their lights eventually run out and they leave me in the dark. Every now and then you catch a glimpse of that light again, and you get some hope that what you saw initially that attracted you is still there, but then the light goes out again and your net feels somehow emptier than before.

I wonder then, why do I keep chasing?

I am going to try something new, something very different for me. I am going to try and be the butterfly. You see, a butterfly starts out as a small caterpillar and spends time changing into what they are to become....takes its time to be ready to fly. Right now I am preparing, I am not quite ready to completly let go and spread my wings. I'm getting there.

It's a scary thing for me to imagine, but I am trying to let myself be the one who is caught. I know I am being chased. There are multiple nets out there playing in the wind trying to capture me. I have been so busy running around chasing lightening bugs that I haven't allowed anyone to have a chance to catch me. I have to learn that I don't have to always be doing the chasing. That maybe, for a change, I should let myself be caught. I am worth being chased. I have always gone after what I want because I can't imagine someone coming after me.......but if I ever stopped running for just a second I would see all the possibilities I have passed up because I have been running so fast, chasing all the wrong bugs.

This isn't easy. It's very hard actually.

But here is my shot......

I'm trying to be the butterfly.

Goal Set.....Goal Met!

Yesterday I ran my first race! I set out to finish the Cleveland Rite-Aid 10k in under 1 hour 15 minutes and my official chip time was 1:14:30! I am very proud of myself. I know I am slow, but to me, this is a huge accomplishment. I was able to keep my pace the whole way through and stay consistant, which as a beginning runner I struggled a lot with this and had trouble running any distance because I couldn't get a rythym. I didn't have to walk at all, I just told myself to keep moving. For me, it was about finishing, proving to myself that I could do it....that if I set my mind to something I was still strong enough to go out there and do it. I may not be the best, but I did the best for me and today I am feeling very good. Truth be told, the whole time I was running I kind of wanted to cry because a year ago this was never something I could have done. Hell, 6 months ago this was something I never could have done. But I have worked hard, and I have proved to myself that I am capable. It may be a small accomplishment, but to me, it is the start of knowing that I can do it.

Why do we do it?

Why when we know the stove it hot do we insist on touching it over and over again?

I love Marc Broussard

Cast my eyes towards the sky
Looking down on me
So far all I've seen are clouds
But I'm not gonna let 'em get me down

No way
No how
Not ever
Not now

There's gotta be more here
Than what I see

Walking down the road again
One step at a time
So far all I've seen are stop signs
But I'm not gonna let 'em get me this time

My life
Keep my head high

There's gotta be more here
Than what I see

Are those the clouds of my mind that hide the stars
Will I ever find the road that leads me home again
Does it seem so far
From looking way too hard
Now I know my heart is where my searching all begins

High low is where I stand
Looking for the man in charge

I belive there's more to see
Cause the dirt has been wiped away from my eyes and
I know what I'm supposed to be
There's got to be more
There's got to be more

Learning to float

I have been swimming once before. I almost drowned. For years the water filled up my lungs and I was barely breathing. Each breath got harder and harder to take and each step felt heavier because I was beginning to fill up with water. I didn't feel as if there was a way out. Those around me saw me sinking, but no one could pull me out because I was letting it happen. I wanted to be in the pool of love so badly that even though I knew I would drown before I got in I dove anyway. Head first. I got knocked out when I hit the bottom and I never came back up.

Four years later I was pulled out, and I vowed never to swim again. This is a weird thing. You give your life to someone, infront of God and family, you vow to remain with them forever, and here I was promising myself I was never going to do that to myself again.

I have spent two years pushing away every man who has tried to get close to me. Maybe they weren't right, maybe it was me, whatever the reason, I haven't attempted to get close to the water. It terrifies me. I think about it and I shut off.

Today, I find myself in a new place for the first time. I think this place scares me even more. I find myself wanting to swim. I don't know what to do with this new realization that I am willing to try to get wet again. I find myself being willing to want to be with someone, wanting to have someone in my arms at night, and there when I wake up in the morning. That scares me, because I have not been willing to want. When you want, you get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to be let down, I don't want the weight of drowning to pull me under. For the first time in a long time I have hope that there may be someone out there. Michael Buble says, "I just haven't met you yet" I am willing to believe that it hasn't gone right for me because I haven't found the right one yet, but that when I do they will help me walk into the water carefully and to help me learn how to float......

Sleep Deprived

Have you ever been so past the point of tired that everything makes you want to cry? Like you become completely irrational and emotional and you just want to cry. Just a little bit. Maybe for no reason, maybe they put 4 cucumbers on your sandwich at Subway and you don't like the number 4 and it has upset you. Maybe you think you messed up something. Whatever it is, your tired and sleepy and need a nap or something because really, you're eyes are either going to close in 5 minutes or start to leak....like a fountain.